July 20, 2014

July 20, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

The world is in such a bad shape because of how we talk with each other. Things would definitely change for the better if we knew how to change the way in which we talk. We don’t know how to change the way we talk, but this writer knows it and he has known it for many years. We have no idea that the way in which we speak is causing all of our problems. However, we are in this together and we must learn together to have a different way of communication. Most people aren’t even part of the conversation or they live in the illusion that they communicate. Day in day out, they practice what this writer calls Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). Drastic as this may sound, our usual way of communicating needs to be stopped. Only when NVB is kept at bay can we begin to explore and maintain Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB).

To stop NVB it is important to realize that everything that is negative in our lives is caused by it. Our unhappiness is determined and continued by how we speak. We have been telling ourselves and each other that we need to change what we say, but what needs to change is how we say things. SVB focusses our attention on how we speak. If giving instruction is, as behaviorists have suggested, the most important function of language, this means that we are doing a really bad job at giving instructions, both to each other and to ourselves. Most instructions to ourselves and each other don’t lead to the results we would like. Many times there is nothing wrong with the instructions we give, but with how we instruct.

As long as we are impatient, demanding, insensitive, overpowering, forceful and harsh, our instructions will elicit negative emotions. Negative emotions affect how we speak. If our way of talking constantly generates negative emotions, our relationships are going to be based on negative experiences. 

We don’t instruct ourselves and each other to listen to ourselves. When we instruct others, we instruct them to listen to us. When we instruct ourselves, we beat ourselves up and we force ourselves to be this way and that way, but none of this results into us listening to ourselves. Listening to ourselves can’t be done with effort. Even if one decides to listen to one self, then most likely one is not.

Listening while one speaks is not an effort. As long as there is effort in one’s way of speaking, one is not listening to oneself. Obviously, if it takes great effort for the speaker to speak, it takes great effort for the listener to follow what the speaker is saying. If, however, the speaker speaks effortlessly, then the listener can hear and understand effortlessly as well. This is only possible in SVB, in which the attention is on the listener instead of on the speaker. 

If we were to instruct each other to listen to ourselves, we would have better communication, because self-listening includes other-listening. However, if we keep trying to make others to listen to us, our focus is on other-listening, which excludes self-listening. The former characterizes SVB and the latter NVB. The ubiquity of NVB signifies that other-listening has been insisted on. To change things we need to insist on self-listening. Only self-listening will bring about the positive emotion which is needed to be able listen to others. When due to our lack of self-listening only negative emotions are expressed, we don’t want to listen, although we may be able to pretend that we are.

A functional account of language makes us pay attention to antecedents and consequences. What makes us talk the way we do and what happens because of how we communicate? We talk the way we do because of our upbringing. In the early stages of language development, when echoing the sound was all we were capable off, we tried to produce the sounds of the people from our verbal community. We were reinforced for our language. To the extent that this included aspects of SVB or NVB, this set the stage for how we talk today. If our upbringing contained a lot of components of SVB, this is noticeable in how we speak today. However, having experienced a lot of SVB moments while growing up didn't necessarily result into a happy childhood or lead to more experiences of SVB during the rest of our lives. To the contrary, the more components of SVB were communicated while we were growing up, the more problems this causes us during our life, when we are trying to recreate these circumstances, but incapable of doing so. One gigantic consequence of SVB is the realization that nobody knows about it. People think that they themselves cause their language, but they are unaware that their verbal behavior is caused by their environment. In spite of much rejection, this writer was reinforced and went on exploring SVB.  

July 19, 2014

July 19, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) focuses our attention on how we speak. It puts us in the shoes of the listener, who experiences our spoken communication. We already pay attention to how we speak, but we don’t pay attention closely enough to actually experience how we speak. Since we pay more attention to what we say than to how we say it, we often don’t experience what we say. In other words, since our focus is mostly verbal, we mainly listen to others, but since we don’t pay much attention to the nonverbal, we don’t listen to ourselves. 

Speaking can be done by others as well as by ourselves. We can listen to each other, but we can also listen to ourselves. We can be our own listener. The importance of listening to ourselves is not emphasized anywhere and is thus ignored. In most of our conversations we don’t listen to ourselves while we speak. We are not going to listen to ourselves as long as there is nothing that stimulates us to listen to ourselves. In Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB), we talk at, not with each other, because there is nothing that makes us listen to ourselves. In NVB, we are imprisoned by words and disconnected from the nonverbal, because we are neither in touch with ourselves nor each other. 

Nothing stimulates us more to listen to ourselves like the sound of our own voice. Before we learned how to speak, we were making sounds and our voice expressed what we needed as babies. When we were hungry, we cried and when we were at ease, we made sounds and gestures that were the expression of our happiness. Our sounds ideally were reciprocated. The mother rejoiced in her child’s happiness and tried to do what she could to care for it. To the extent that she was able to spend time and had patience to be nonverbally attuned with her child, it recognized his or her own wellbeing by how he or she sounded. When it cried, it knew it was not feeling well, but when it was making happy sounds, it knew, without yet having the words to describe what it was feeling, that it was safe, taken care of and loved. A person is not going to be stimulated to listen to him or herself unless someone speaks with the voice that facilitates what may not have been provided enough during the pre-verbal stages of development.  

  

Most human interaction is NVB. SVB is only occasionally, accidentally achieved, but not in a deliberate, skillful, ongoing manner. During the pre-verbal stages of  development there was not enough reciprocation of our happy sounds. When people learn about SVB, most of them say they have never listened to themselves like this. Obviously, they were not listened to and that is why they didn't listen to themselves. Since speaking is considered to be more important than listening, speaking became more developed than listening. Although others rarely listened to us, we individually always do. In NVB, we hear ourselves differently than we hear others, but in SVB, we listen to ourselves in the same way as we listen to others. In SVB we listen to others like we listen to ourselves.  

    

What someone else is saying usually doesn’t make us listen to ourselves, but how they are saying it indicates that they are at least sometimes listening to themselves. This then may stimulate us to listen to ourselves too. However, the extent to which others are listening to themselves varies from moment to moment and others can at best only inconsistently stimulate us to listen to ourselves. Compared to others, we are individually much better capable of providing the stimuli, to ourselves, that make us listen ourselves. We are more inclined to listen to our own voice, because we are more familiar with our own sound than with the sound of others. Although we are familiar with our own sound, we are still trying all the time to sound a certain way. When we do that, we don’t and can’t embody our own sound. Our own sound is only made when we are no longer trying to make it sound a certain way. This is only happening when we are listening to ourselves while we speak. Only when we listen to ourselves are we capable of listening to each other. We don’t listen to each other, because we don’t listen to ourselves. However, we must say something to be able to listen to ourselves. If we don’t speak to listen to ourselves, we will not be able to hear ourselves. We have not spoken just to hear ourselves. In SVB, we speak so that we can hear ourselves. Our attention is on listening and because of this our words will come out very differently. We choose our words with more care. We will speak consciously, spontaneously and sensitively.

July 18, 2014

July 18, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

While working with parolees and probationers and while talking with people who are in the challenging process of returning from prison back into society, this writer discovered something important about Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), which he had not yet given consideration. In the classes he is giving clients use work-books which address some of the issues they are dealing with. Because of the program they are in, they are expected to every day read about, fill in and discuss topics such as addiction, anger management, employment, family relations and decision-making, just to name a few. 

There is no specific focus on Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), but every time clients are more sincere about their problems, it emerges. There is a lot of similarity with an A-A meeting, where alcohol addicts get together in an attempt to talk about, understand and control their addition behaviors. The only difference with our meetings is that we discuss more than only alcoholism and that participants are there because of their crimes, parole or probation. Since a group of troubled individuals gathers under the leadership of someone like this writer, who are hired to lead such a meeting, they inadvertently become part of a social group process, due to which positive outcomes are achieved. 

  

Often clients don’t want to talk about their problems and don’t want to even open their books. The forced conversation relating to this is Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). However, SVB doesn’t require a person to first process their problems. One can have many problems and learn about SVB without doing anything about them. In fact, one can only learn about SVB, by leaving one’s problems alone. This is different from the general view that people usually have about how to deal with their problems. Those who have problems and those who supposedly help others to solve their problems, are primarily focused on and preoccupied with problems. Consequently, they are not able to learn or teach about SVB, which is the communication of a life without problems. This is why SVB is so amazing: it works in spite of the problems one may still have.  

July 17, 2014

July 17, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

A delicious smelling first flower came out on the Gardenia this writer and his wife had recently planted. It is also so nice to see things grow. His wife is really into gardening and she planted a vegetable patch, where she grows tomatoes, squash, cantaloupe, beans and eggplant. So far, the harvest has been good and it is remarkable how fast things grow. Each plant is embedded in a mount and it is nice to look at, especially since the rest of the yard is quite a mess. There was a huge tree they had cut because it was hanging over their house. It had roots above the grass which went throughout the yard, so they had tree service saw down the tree and grind down those roots. They still have to think about what they want to do with that part of their yard. Right now it lays bare, but it is okay for the time being.  

It has cooled down significantly and a breeze enters the bedroom through the open window. Today this writer wants to write about his surroundings. He is sitting on his bed and his wife is getting ready for the day in front of the mirror in the bathroom. The cat Kayla is sitting right behind her and is hoping to get her attention for some brushing before she goes. From where he sits this writer can see the fence of the yard and the hedge of the neighbor which has again reached the height of the fence. Months ago, this hedge had gotten so huge that is was hanging heavily over the fence. This writer had talked about it with the neighbor and had asked her if she was okay if he cut it back. The neighbor responded very positively and had even given him her saw and clippers. She said repeatedly to cut off as much as he thought was necessary. 

This writer stood on a ladder and began trimming the hedge. Since he had a bow saw it was an easy job. Since the neighbor, a divorced woman, who lives by herself, had encouraged him to cut off as much as he liked, this writer thought he would do her a great favor by cutting the hedge to the seize of the fence. It was a job he enjoyed doing. He was sure he was doing her a favor by saving her money she didn’t need to spend on having it done by a gardener. When she saw the result, however, she screamed and complained that he had cut the hedge too short. Although she had repeatedly stated that she wanted this writer to cut off as much as he wanted, she didn’t like what she saw when her hedge, which had given her a sense of privacy, had been cut back to the seize of the fence. She came to this writer’s house and demanded a solution. This writer was at a loss about what to do and felt very sorry for upsetting his new neighbor this way. There was nothing that could be done. The hedge had been cut and this writer decided to buy her Dutch chocolate and cookies to ease the pain. It seemed to calm her down, but she kept being upset about the fact that he had bend over the fence and had cut her hedge too short. This writer had been unaware of the fact that he had working on her property. She insisted he had violated her rights and threatened to sue if she didn’t agree with the solution we offered. 

This writer and his wife, who recently moved into their new house, wanted to do everything possible to get this angry neighbor of their backs. It was eventually settled by buying her a big umbrella, which, instead of the hedge, would then give her shade in her bed room. Initially, this writer had been feeling friendly toward the neighbor, but after this he felt taken advantage of. When they had just moved in this writer had helped his her various times carrying things into her house, but after this debacle he was  no longer inclined to do this. Now the hedge has started to grow back and is reaching again above the fence. We all knew that this was going to happen, but it didn’t matter to her. It still matters to this writer though. He knew when he was cutting the hedge that it would grow back beautifully within one season. So much for neighborly favors. 

The other neighbor, who knows this lady, agreed that she intimidated us with legal action to get her way. In about a month the hedge will have grown three feet above the fence and she will have her shade back. May be we can ask the umbrella back, which cost us more than hundred dollars? I think we should. By the way, she has a big dead tree close to the fence, which needs to be cut down. She will have to pay the tree service fees to have that job done. This writer had wanted to do this for her, but is no longer willing to help her with anything. The  hedge has grown back and that is nice, but the relationship did not grow back.

July 16, 2014

July 16, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

In his new job this writer is required to keep his private speech to himself. When his private speech is different from his public speech, his private speech is having a distracting influence on his public speech. This difference caused him to reveal some of his private speech, which was perceived as distracting from his public speech by his clients. In effect, he was helped by his clients to keep his private speech out of his public speech. It helps to know this, because it allows him to have better public speech. By writing this, this writer feels as if he regained a sense of confidence. This writing is this writer’s way of instructing himself.

It is amazing how comforting this writing is for this writer. By reading what he is saying to himself, he is seeing and getting clear on what is going on more so than when he is only speaking and listening. Writing is a safer and more effective way of stepping back and reflecting than engaging in spoken communication. Until recently this option wasn’t open to him. This writer felt compelled to speak, even if was only with himself. This compulsion, which, due to Catholic upbringing, has been going on for many years, is now slowly decreasing. It has already become much less than it was before and since this is benefiting him, he feels sure that this behavior will eventually extinguish. 

 

This writing is more than just a person talking with himself. This writer is in the process of becoming more knowledgeable about behaviorism and due to his study he is slowly developing a different way of perceiving himself. Now that he is aware that his behavior is always a function of his environment, he is looking at how environmental changes enhance productive and successful behaviors in others as well as in himself. By not revealing to his clients what he is thinking and feeling, he is keeping himself more together and demonstrating to his clients how they can keep themselves together. There is not a whole lot he needs to do. He just needs to relax as much as he can into teaching his classes. This is made possible by keeping his private speech out of his public speech, even though it may still sometimes be distracting him. His distraction is something that his clients can relate to. 

In SVB there is bi-directional speech. The speaker speaks with the listener and the listener, although he or she doesn’t necessarily has to become the speaker, reciprocates what the speaker is saying. However, this can only occur because the speaker is not aversively affecting the listener. In other words, the speaker regulates the listener and the listener is happily listening to the speaker, because nothing is taken away from him or her. To the contrary, something positive is added. Not only does the listener gain understanding of what the speaker is saying, the listener feels included, accepted and respected by and involved with the speaker. This is very different in NVB, in which the listener feels excluded and would like to be included. Although the issue of being included in NVB may be often discussed, the inclusion of the listener by the speaker doesn’t and can’t occur. It can’t occur because of the uni-directional process which is aversive to the listener. When NVB changes to SVB, we all feel the difference. 

When people who sincerely are trying to work through their communication problems are finally are beginning to make sense to each other, it is always because their listening has increased and because they were saying things differently while they were listening to themselves. Since the attention in NVB is on the speaker, on the other, when we are giving more attention to the listener, we are initially still inclined to treat the listener as the other.  In SVB, however, the listener is no longer considered as the other, but as our self, as the speaker. In SVB, we listen to our self while we speak and we listen to each other in the same way as we listen to ourselves. It can be said that in NVB we also listen to each other in the same way as we listen to ourselves. However, in NVB, we don’t listen to ourselves and we don’t listen to each other either. 

To understand SVB, the reader is asked to take the position of the listener, who is capable of speaking with the writer of these words. These words are meant to stimulate the reader to become a speaker, but not NVB speaker, but a speaker, who listens to him or herself while he or she speaks, a SVB speaker. It is best to read this text out loud, so that the reader can hear his or her own sound, while he or she says what he or she reads. If the sound that the reader is hearing is a sound that he or she likes to hear more often, these words will encourage the reader to listen to him or herself while he or she speaks.