December 24, 2013

December 24, 2013 

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

Once people have experienced SVB, they would like to retain it and ask for ways to remember it. They request a step by step plan, a hand-out with bullet points, an acronym, anything that will help them to continue this new way of interacting. What they often fail to recognize is what made possible the experience of SVB with this author lies in their own behavioral history. They were willing to try it and capable of doing it, because of similarities in their history of reinforcement. SVB is a reinforcing activity because it focuses our attention on the here and now. This confronts us with a challenge, because it seems to prevent us from thinking about our future. 

As we shall see, SVB doesn’t prevent us from anything, but an emphasized focus on the here and now is to be expected and is necessary in its initial phases. Because we have been deprived while we speak of our subjective here and now experiences, we have a need to catch up with this. And, even before this need is fully satisfied, it is apparent that the here and now experiences of SVB only make sense to the extent that they will be carried on by us with others into our future. Our inability to envision this causes us great distress. Since distress is part of NVB, it can only teach us about when we don’t or can’t have SVB. To have SVB, we must be without stress or any other negative emotions. 

It is unrealistic to expect long-term effects from brief versions of SVB for those who have reinforcement histories that make even  brief exposures highly unlikely. This author, who has experimented with thousands of individuals, has found, to his own surprise, that there is only very little difference between those who are willing to experiment and those who aren’t. The former are usually very good at creating the impression of SVB. As the author wanted others to  understand SVB, he was often unaware about the extent to which he was the one, who was facilitating the SVB to them. He no longer tries to point out SVB to those who don't want to experiment. This made him realize that they produced SVB at the  same rate as those who were willing to do the experiment. He found that the people who have the behavioral histories, due to which they are willing to experiment with SVB, produce just as much SVB as those who refuse such an experiment and who don’t see the need for it at all.  

  

This is how far we have come with our approximation of SVB. The rate is as low as it is, because most of us are pretenders, who, based our behavioral histories of verbal acrobatics and coercion, are only capable of impressing or intimidating others. The few people who comprehend SVB are unable to change the way we communicate. Even their histories of reinforcement won’t allow it. They may want SVB, but they only want it for instant gratification. 

Although it is true that some of us are more open than others, the author wants his readers to understand that with regard to SVB we are all in the same boat. Some of us may have received more love and care, but that never resulted in SVB. It just couldn’t. To the contrary, the more love there was when we were young, the more likely we will become embittered about our inability to change the world which is not what we would like it to be.  

  

Reinforcement for the fact that we can’t change the world is as needed as reinforcement for the fact that we can‘t change our selves. Our inner agent, which supposedly is causing our behavior, is helpless about the world in which so much seems to be wrong and needs to be changed. However, in SVB we are not  trying to change ourselves nor the world. In SVB we transform because we are done trying to change things. Changes in SVB become possible because of our environmental perspective.  

Our behavior is caused by our environment, but this happens over time. Contrast between a temporal and a momentary view of SVB is important for its continuation. The momentary view, although necessary and exciting, can not sustain SVB in the long run. The momentary view inevitably leads to many frustrations because its immediate, albeit positive, effects will distract us from recognizing what is needed to continue with SVB over an extended period of time, with as many people as possible. This is not going to come from a manual, but from more opportunity for SVB interaction.

December 23, 2013

December 23, 2013   

  Written by M. Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

As you must have noticed, this writer has been writing for the last couple of days in a new letter type. It is to him as if he is speaking in a different tone. In the meantime, he and his wife have moved from their rental apartment to a wonderful two bedroom house. The place looks beautiful and now that the curtains have been hung and most of their belongings have been unpacked, they feel at the starting point of a new phase of their lives. They are very happy with their new surroundings and they were welcomed by the neighbors of the peaceful street in which they now live.

The writer has often spoken about the change in the environment which affect the way we speak. Simply said, by changing the tone of our voice, we embark on an entirely different way of communicating than the one we have known. In our usual way of communicating we speak with a voice which is, although we produce it, not really our own. Our sound signifies how we disconnected from ourselves. Of course, it is impossible to communicate effectively with such a sound. The sound which disconnects us from ourselves is bound to disconnect us from others as well. 

In Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB), our voices grab, stab, push, pull, punch and choke, but in Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), our voices caress, embrace, let go, invite, energize and make us conscious. In SVB we sound good, melodious, calm, attentive and resonant, but in NVB, we sound terrible, harsh, hateful, tense and constrained. Complications arise when we produce content, which is congruent or incongruent with how we sound. When we can get away with it, because we have power over others, when others depend on us, we sound any way we like, but we end up talking so to speak out of our ass, when we only like to hear ourselves talk.  

The point of SVB is not that we all try to change the way in which we sound, but rather that we become aware of how we sound. Once we do that a whole bunch of positive processes will happen by themselves. Regardless of how we sound, of how we  feel or what kind of experiences we have, the production of our voice happens in the here and now. According to this writer, listening to our sound makes us and keeps us conscious. Listening and producing sound are two activities that both take place in the here and now. If we do both, we attain conscious communication and if we fail to do this, we have mechanical, unconscious communication. In the latter, we are imprisoned by unconscious, repetitive patterns of behavior, which are, of course, pathological; in the former, we experience self-evident enhancements that happen because we can be  open, spontaneous, free, full of energy, flexible and flowing. 

The author asks the reader to give up on predetermined communication. The reader must not make any attempt to sound a particular way. These words can be used by the reader to read out loud and to get an example of what the author talks about. The reader can read these words and hear his or her own sound, as it is. By connecting with their own sound, readers find that what the author speaks about makes total sense. Refusal to do this leads to the opposite result. We can all speak with the sound which represents our well-being, but we will only be inclined to do so if we listen to our voice while we speak. As  self-listening, which involves private speech that connects us with ourselves, depends on others in the same way that we depend others in public speech, we need someone to tell us to listen to ourselves or otherwise we will not do it. As we depend on each other for our private and public speech, we will only keep listening to ourselves and be able to enjoy SVB as long as we keep sharing it with others.   

The biggest change which can occur while we communicate is the change in our tone of voice. This is an environmental change, which directly affects our own behavior as well as the behavior of others. Such affects are, however, are only observable when we deliberately look for them. When we make it seem as if these effects don’t exist or matter, we force ourselves and each other into rigid conformity. We adhere to the, until now, unwritten rule, which says that we should not pay any attention to how someone behaves non-verbally. By making this rule explicit, readers can come to terms with the fact that they are, whether they know it or not, determined by it.

December 22, 2013

December 22, 2013

Dear Reader, 

 

Only you, my dear reader, can feel what your body feels. This underestimated, undervalued, subjective experience brings you to the communication in which your reality can be articulated more accurately. If you feel threatened or anguished, you should move your body to another circumstance. This is easier said than done in a communication from which you can’t escape. The way to deal with NVB is to avoid it as much as possible. If you can do that, you do yourself a big favor. This author does not regret he has done this. By doing so he found that his life has become much easier. Removing yourself from a situation can be done in more than one way. If you can’t physically leave, you must leave mentally. You will be blamed for this, but don’t start blaming yourself. We are naturally inclined to not listen to those who aversively affect us. There is nothing wrong with that. What we call distraction for the most part is caused by what is perceived as threatening. 

Emotional distancing is another way of removing yourself from NVB. Don’t express any emotion under circumstances in which NVB is perceived. Fake the expression of emotion if you must, but don’t tell those involved in NVB what you really feel. Avoid having feelings by not expressing your feelings. Once the coast is clear, you can have SVB again with those who will not take advantage of your emotional openness. NVB demands emotional openness. In SVB nobody demands anything. We are emotionally open in SVB, because we reciprocate each other’s sensitivity. In NVB our sensitivity is constantly abused. There is nothing to be achieved by confrontation. To the contrary, confrontation will only make things worse. Only by removing yourself can your communication be improved.

Just avoiding NVB may sound drastic, but it is the only thing that will allow you to move to SVB. That is what you need to do. By moving there physically, mentally or emotionally, you will be more secure. There is nothing to be gained by hoping that something will happen for the better. It won’t because it can’t. If it could, it would already have happened. SVB didn’t happen because it couldn’t happen. There is no use in complaining or protesting. When SVB is possible, there is no need to have someone explain that. It is totally self-evident when it is possible. 

One of the main reasons that we don’t have SVB, is because we keep on thinking that we are already having it. Our way of communicating is incredibly stupid.  Even when it is clear that we are suffering, that we are upset, troubled and not happy at all, we insist that there is nothing wrong with our way of interacting. If someone says the obvious, that we are not communicating at all, this person risks his or her life. We are so full of ourselves that there can’t possibly be something wrong with how we speak. Our grandiosity and out need for admiration is such that no one is allowed to make the slightest comment about how we behave verbally. Supposedly, we are the kindest, the most understanding, the most accepting, the most moral, the most truthful, the most intelligent, the most capable and the most sane. These are claims made by people who don’t know that they are engaged in NVB. It is not a matter of blaming them, but a matter of recognizing and avoiding them. If you can’t recognize them, you can’t avoid them. You were not avoiding them because you were not yet recognizing them. Once you recognize them, avoiding them is the only thing to do. The idea that you have some other options than avoiding NVB, indicates that you are not aware of what you are dealing with. What goes on in the name of human interaction is pure violence. 

For many years this author was unable to turn away from the communication in which he again and again felt violated. He believed  he would eventually find out about the right way of communicating. Nothing could have prepared him for the anti-climactic consequences of SVB. Although he had practiced and taught SVB for many years, he still got in trouble multiple times because he tried to change people. His habit of wanting to be accepted brought him to others with whom he got into some kind of conflict. He became sick and tired of himself and decided not to get into these negative situations anymore, because they didn’t get him anywhere.

It is still an enigma to him how he is now able to avoid problems which he used to have so often in the past. Frequently, he notices that other people have problems which he himself used to have. It is only in this fashion that he remembers  it was just yesterday that he used to be full of problems. He had completely given up hope that his problems would change one day and used to feel really sad, lonely and misunderstood. All that, however, has changed due to SVB. It changed, but not in the way he thought it would. He thought he would have SVB with others more often, but this turned out to not be the case. Also, to his own surprise, his need for SVB decreased to the point that it no longer seemed to exist. That spoken communication would shed new light on his private speech, his self-talk, was nothing he had foreseen or wanted to happen. His thoughts and feelings seemed to have a live of their own. He knew  that his private speech was a function of public speech and had been troubled by the fact that his public speech required the constant sanitization from anything personal. He had wanted to talk about his private speech, but was given the message that that was not allowed in public speech. After many objections and rejections, he finally gave in.

December 21, 2013

December 21, 2013

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

Due to how our environment affected us, at some point in evolutionary history, human beings became capable of producing language, In  development occurring during our life time, our ontogenetic history and during evolutionary development as a species, our phylogenetic history, it is apparent that we all began as nonverbal creatures. We only recently became verbal. For the most part our human biology predates the arrival of language. In the same way that environmental pressures in ancient surroundings set the stage for the development of language of mankind as a whole, so too are we during our life time, as children and as adults, dependent for our development of language on our environment. Thus, we will only learn Dutch when we grow up in a Dutch verbal community, but we will learn Chinese if we grow up in a Chinese verbal community. Although languages are different, our nonverbal biological history from which they could evolve is the same. In stable environments, the fact that we have mastered a language  stops us from further verbal developments. There is no need to learn Chinese if Dutch will do the job. Yet, neither the Dutch always understand the Dutch, nor do Chinese always understand the Chinese. In other words, language works, but only if it is SVB.   

As most of us have experienced moments of SVB, we all have a sense of what it is. SVB is not anything magical or mysterious, it is an integral part of human experience and it exists in all cultures. However, there is such a thing as classical conditioning. This means that experiences of SVB became linked to all sorts of stimuli. For one person SVB means Christianity, for another it means Islam. These stimuli also involve countries, languages, music styles, politics, theoretical  perspectives, just to name a few. Because all sorts of generalized stimuli have come to control our behavior, we are oblivious of the stimuli that make SVB possible.

When dogs are presented with food, they reflexively salivate. Pavlov  found that if a dog hears a bell each time it gets its food, it will begin to salivate to the sound of the bell. Likewise, when since childhood, we hear the same kind of prayer, a certain kind of music and language, when we live and come together in groups in certain kind of buildings, when we wear certain clothing, eat certain foods, have certain kinds of habits, and produce certain kind of artifacts, then our sense of happiness, safety, belonging and continuity inevitably become contingent upon these stimuli.  Thus, our sense of self is defined by our reflexive or phylogenetic behavior, not by our operant behavior, which is ontogenetic. Reflexive responding is always at work when we make a big deal about the things that supposedly matter most to us. What we have  failed to recognize is the extent to which operant conditioning, learning which occurs as a consequence of behavior, is always constrained by biologically determined respondent conditioning. This is very important for how we communicate. Any kind of fear, apprehension, anxiety or distrust will instantaneously set the stage for Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). Only the  absence of these makes Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) possible. To have SVB we must recognize that our language habits prevent it. By identifying and, subsequently, letting go of our language habits, we create and maintain  environments in which SVB continues. Our mistake was that we believed that others, who spoke the same language, would create this environment for us, but as  our body is our environment, we must take care of it. 

December 20, 2013

December 20, 2013

Dear Reader, 

 

Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) is a forced way of communicating. NVB is so draining, because it prevents us from experiencing the reality. One way of describing NVB is that is makes us emphasize the verbal to the point that we reject the nonverbal. Verbal fixation causes disembodied communication. Thus, we don’t have any sense of our body during NVB. When this occurs, however, our body gets tense and lets us know we are doing something wrong. In NVB, our voice signals continuously that there is something wrong. Our sound is produced by our body and by paying attention to it we can effortlessly embody our communication again. Said differently, in Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), there is congruence between verbal and nonverbal expressions. In SVB, what we say, the verbal, is connected with and supported by how we say it, the nonverbal. 

In NVB the verbal is considered to be more important than the nonverbal. This emphasis is based on a misunderstanding. In the development of language of the individual, it is obvious that we are all born nonverbal and that our ability to use language evolved out of the nonverbal. The verbal is emerging from the nonverbal. Every human being starts out nonverbal and then becomes verbal. Not so obvious, however, but perhaps even more important, is that in the evolution of our species, eons of time have gone by during which human beings existed without language. It is it therefore basically our biology which determines how we respond to language. Physiological changes produced by human interaction are caused by our nonverbal behavior. We like to believe that we are so verbal, but we are much more nonverbal than we are willing to admit. Denial of our human nature is inherent in how we speak.