April 3, 2014
Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist
Dear Reader,
The letter type “Latha” is chosen because it makes the
words appear with a lot of space in between. This writer is reinforced by the
spaciousness of these words. He calmly waits for words to appear and when they
do, he expresses them with a sense of certainty and accuracy. Because his
writing is a form of waiting, he observes things which he wouldn’t observe if
he were too eager to write. These words are a function of the process of
reading while writing. The reading happens while he writes; nothing seems to be
happening before he writes or after he has written. These words emerge from a
state of meditation, a state of nothingness. However, this is a very positive and
rejuvenating experience. The absence of words, or the silence, before he writes, is relaxing
and the let go of words, after he has written, is increased as he continues to
write.
Reading while writing is a process of discovery and
exploration. Although he isn’t looking for anything, he always finds something
he didn’t know. As he keeps writing, he becomes knowledgeable about matters
which come together, because the space is available to make that possible. His
words are common in that they mean what they mean, but they are unusual in how
they are combined. The words reaching, touching, embracing and cherishing come
to mind, to describe the phenomenon he has stumbled on. His writing is based on
positive, caring emotions which have a protective quality.
It surprises this writer that he can experience such a
great sense of safety by merely writing some words that make him feel that way.
The words he uses express his direct experience. They are not expressing
a longing for comfort, but they express the felt comfort itself. There is no
difference between the description and the described and the reader can
understand and experience this phenomenon too. While the writer writes these
words, he is also the reader. Stated differently, the writer reads while he
writes what he writes. In this way, the writer is and stays connected to the
reader.
In Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) we speak a language
that creates space. We wait for words to reveal to us what we want to say.
We haven’t said what we wanted to say, because we never took time to say
it. It takes time to say what we want to say, but we cannot take time. The
time that it takes to say what we want to say has to be given to us. We cannot
say what we want to say if the time is not given to us. Each time we
take time of others to say what we want to say, we don’t say what we want
to say, we can’t say what we want to say. We are only capable of saying what we
want to say, if we give ourselves time to say it and stop taking the
time of others. As long as we are taking each other's time, we are
preventing ourselves and each other from saying what we want to say. If we
give each other time to say what we want to say, we can say what we want to
say. Moreover, if we give each other time to say what we want to say, we
give ourselves the time to say what we want to say. Summed up, we give
ourselves and each other the time to say what we want to say or we don’t give
ourselves and each other the time to say what we want to say. It always
involves speakers and listeners to say what we want to say. And, we so badly wanted to say
what we wanted to say, because there were no listeners. If there had
been listeners, we wouldn't want to say it so badly. The absence of listening is a common problem in relationship.
Because of the ongoing absence of listening we have too much
of a focus on speaking. Those who speak want to be listened too, but few
are listening. Many speakers speak without acknowledging that hardly
anyone is listening. Because Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) has a long and SVB a short history, we are more likely reinforced for our NVB. Only
those who listen to themselves are reinforced for SVB. As long as
we want others to listen to us, we are not listening
to ourselves. Our focus on others prevents this. To listen to ourselves we must
be focused on ourselves. We can only do that if our way of talking stimulates
us to focus on ourselves. SVB stimulates us to focus on ourselves.
During SVB the speaker listens to him or herself, while
he or she speaks. Attention for the sound of one's voice happens simultaneously
with attention for the production of one's words. Consequently, SVB makes us
conscious communicators. In NVB, by contrast, we are mechanical communicators.
In NVB we don’t realize that we neither listen to ourselves nor to each other.
It is odd, but once we have SVB, we recognize
that in NVB there are only speakers, but no listeners. Since only few people can dominate in public speech, most speaking in NVB happens at a covert level. NVB private speech makes us think we are responsible for our
own thoughts and feelings, which are a function of public speech.
Once we have SVB it becomes apparent that positive
private speech or covert SVB is caused by SVB public speech. Moreover, in SVB there is no
longer a separation between public and private speech, because they are
perceived as belonging to the same reality. Only in NVB are public and private
speech perceived as separate. Imaginary separation of public and private speech causes all communication problems. It is an inaccurate account of reality. An
accurate account of reality requires a process of observation and description
which only becomes possible when we relax and are at ease while we interact. Any predetermined
goals bias our observations and make us repeat our beliefs. The
absence of stimuli that set the stage for SVB involves the presence of
stimuli that cause NVB.
We produce SVB or NVB because we have an autonomic
nervous system. As long as there is aversive stimulation, SVB is
impossible. Authentic interaction can only occur if no fight, flight or freeze
mechanisms are activated. Inhibition of these phylogenetic systems is not a matter of
cortical control, but a matter of the absence of stimuli that trigger these autonomic responses. We can’t think our way out of our biology, we
can understand it and then facilitate the environment which sets the stage for
SVB. In SVB we perceive each other as our safe environment. Our environment
interacts with us and we interact with our environment. This bi-directional
interaction characterizes SVB. NVB is uni-directional in that speakers do not
speak with listeners, but speak at them.
What goes on in the name of spoken communication is not
spoken communication. We have accepted as normal something which is abnormal.
In effect, we accept ways of interacting which dissociate us from reality. This
is an issue we need to come to terms with. We have been used to ways of
interacting in which we depart from reality. In NVB, speakers pretend to be speaking, while listeners pretend to be listening. Once we have SVB, we realize that
in NVB speakers couldn’t be speaking and listeners couldn’t be listening. NVB is a masquerade of make belief. No matter how much we are inclined to
produce NVB, the reality is still there waiting to be properly addressed. Since we are all in
the same boat when it comes to NVB, nobody is at fault for producing it.
SVB and NVB are two dimensions of how human beings deal
with each other. In the latter, they dominate, punish, exploit,
manipulate, oppress, coerce, humiliate and disrespect each other, but in the
former they support, reinforce, regulate, accept, invite and encourage each
other. We have condoned NVB because we didn’t have clarity about how
different it is from SVB. Observing verbal behavior is like observing an
apple. When the apple is rotten, we don’t eat it, but if the apple is rotten on
the inside, we can’t see it and we might bite in a rotten apple. The same is
true for the way in which we communicate. As we can’t yet realize that we are dealing
with NVB, the only way to find out about it is by biting into it and by discovering that it
is rotten. We must acknowledge NVB first in order to be able to have SVB. Our learning of SVB can occur only to the extent to which we can recognize NVB. Most of what goes on in the name of interaction has
nothing to do with interaction. The devastating presence of NVB in every
society across the globe tells us how little we know and how incapable we are in predicting our future. With SVB we know
what our future is going to be like: our healthy, happy relationships will support us
to get there. The future of SVB is the decrease and ultimately the extinction of
NVB. In SVB we experience an interaction that is based only on positive emotions.
The expression of negative emotions has prevented and undermined understanding of human relationship.
