November 30, 2014

November 30, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Engineer

Dear Reader, 

Before we can teach others how to communicate, we must have knowledge about communication, but also about how to communicate. Knowledge about communication is one thing, but knowledge about how to communicate is quite another. Knowing how to listen, speak, read and write is different from its function, that is, why we listen, speak, read or write. The function of spoken communication, of what spoken communication is for, is often misconstrued. Spoken communication is so often used for purposes for which it wasn’t meant, that we have forgotten what it was for. We may occasionally use a chair to stand on it, to screw in a light bulb, but we generally use chairs to sit on. Although some may use a car for racing, most of us use a car for transportation and driving within the speed limit. Although we may read a paper while sitting on the toilet, we normally go there only to take a pee or a shit. And, although we may say or think many negative things about each other, spoken communication is basically about understanding each other and saying positive, reinforcing things. The chair, which is broken into pieces and serving as firewood, has lost its function. Once spoken communication has broken down, it has lost its function and it can only maintain a our struggle. 

One doesn’t need to know about electricity to turn on the light. One doesn’t need to be a doctor to live a healthy life. And, we don’t need to know everything about everybody to understand each other. Limited understanding is sufficient. Based on selective principles, we acquire, over our life time, adequate amounts of behavior, called knowledge, to be able to have and maintain our relationships. Generally, we would only speak the language that was spoken by the verbal community in which we were raised.That is not a problem. If a baby was born in China and brought to America, it would learn English as easy as a baby that was born in Holland and raised in the United States. Although the words we speak are arbitrary sounds, they have a function. Thus, why we speak English or Chinese is more important than what we say. We speak to be understood by those who belong to our verbal community. Although our knowledge may be limited, it is sufficient to be understood. Each of us has first-hand experience of that. We know what it is like to understand or to be understood. Unless it makes sense to us, what we hear compares to listening to an unfamiliar language. 

This author was visiting his Chinese family for Thanks Giving. In their company, he is the only Caucasian, but since he has been married 29 years, they have known each other for quite a while. Upon the arrival of his wife’s sister and his brother in law, there was, according to this author, more Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) than upon their departure. Likewise, when his wife’s brother and his wife and their two sons arrived, there was a lot of SVB, but soon there wasn’t any SVB left anymore and Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) reigned again. It seemed to this writer, who has witnessed this process many times, that culturally everyone was only able to permit a limited amount of SVB and then they almost dutifully returned to NVB. They were only allowed to have so much fun and openness. Due to their behavioral histories they always act this way during family gatherings. 

An odd situation arose when, after he had spoken with his brother in law and his two sons, this author asked his sister in law how she was doing. She suddenly became very defensive and seemed to be answering a question this author hadn’t even asked. She stated shortly that she was keeping busy, but  made clear non-verbally that it was none of this author’s business to ask about how she was doing. The contingency instantly changed and the conversation swung from SVB to NVB. It appeared as if the previous conversations with her sons, one of whom was going to leave home to go to college, had made her aware about where she is at in her life. Although this author only casually inquired about what was keeping her busy, she reacted as if she had been set on fire. Her reaction subsided, however, once she began telling the author’s wife’s sister that she was now doing volunteer work. She even mentioned she was thinking about going back to work again, once her other child had left the house. It was strange that she would not talk with this author, but that she would talk rather demonstratively with his wife's sister. She sounded pretentious and uncomfortable, almost confessional.  

The SVB, which was possible before this incident, was no longer possible afterwards this author had asked his sister in law how she was doing. In the opinion of this author, which was later confirmed by his wife, the whole atmosphere had changed. It would have made no sense whatsoever, if this author would have attempted to say something about this, as this would have made things only worse. After this event, this author felt left out of the conversation. He didn’t do anything to change the situation and kept to himself and heard there was still a little SVB happening among other family members. 

This episode in which SVB changed into NVB happens all the time. Important to note here is that those who want to have SVB and are able to have it, cannot demand it and will not get into an argument over it with those who clearly can’t have it and force others into not having it. When his wife talked with this author after everyone had gone home, the SVB was restored again by her. She acknowledged that her sister in law was very uptight and arrogant. She apparently had nervously connected this author's question about how she was doing with the fact that her role and identity as a stay-home mother would soon be over, once her other son would leave the house to go to college.