May 19, 2014

May 19, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

Today I choose to write with a new letter type to set the tone for something different. This letter type is calligraphic and its distinct shape had immediate appeal to me. As I am typing these words, I look at them as images, as pictures and this is something which I normally don’t do. The visual stimulation I experience makes me want to create something beautiful. This writing is a way of composing and organizing reality with my words. 

I have often had these impressions, but this type of letter makes me pay close attention to it. For instance, I like the way the first paragraph looks. I appreciate the length of the sentences which run all the way to the end and I am happy when words fit within the exact format of one paragraph. Also, it makes me feel very comfortable to see that this writing creates seven sentences in each paragraph. I have no idea why I do that, but I love it.

There is a particular format which somehow gets filled up all by itself. It has a meditative quality to it, a sense of pure perfection. That these typed words can have this effect is utterly fascinating. It is a blissful feeling of being in control while using my skills. It continues in its own pace and rhythm and how I peck on my key board is more graceful than usual.  I even seem to be breathing calmer and my words seem to follow my outgoing breath. 

This style is uniquely mine. It have developed it without knowing it. I am letting something speak through me which requires this order and support. These words sound like music. They remind me of a bamboo flute I used to play. I was only able to play the tune that sounded good when I was in the right mood. I never practiced to become a great flute player, but my flute was an excuse to find a quiet place where I would find peace of mind. 

Meditation is not something that one does and yet one is in action. Its movement is so delightful and restorative. One eases one’s way into it with reference and gratitude. A blissful touch of language caresses the space within. While one waits patiently, one gets filled with meaning and one’s body loses its boundaries. There is a dream which only happens when one is awake and when one speaks as one writes about this descending silence. 

Now that I can write like this and use these beautiful words to decorate my house of truth, I touch the earth and rest. Here is my home in which my life one day will end. Words slowly take me there. I prepare my death by enjoying my time with these words. They make me see what can be seen and make me hear what can be heard. I love the sight and sound of spoken and of written words. At long last, I learn to write about speaking.

What was a question is now a fact which is shared in this writing which is meant to honor you. My love, it is with you that I talk. It is to you that I write. It is to you that I listen. These are your words I read to you. I let you do the talking. I absorb every word you say. I am so happy you keep this conversation going. We are, we have been and we are going to be in this together, forever. Let’s exchange thoughts, compare notes and open our hearts.

May 18, 2014

May 18, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

It is quite a development for me to finally be able to say stuff only to myself instead of to others and to get in trouble for it. It is not so much a feeling of having to keep things to myself, but rather a sense of relief that I can admit to myself that I really don’t like certain people and need to stay away from them as far as possible. My self-talk guides me to my safety and that feels great. 

There are many things that I could say, but I don’t say them because I say it to myself and that is enough and very satisfying. Only I get to know about it and others have to figure it out on their own. I am not responsible for them. If people act like jerks, I am perfectly okay admitting this to myself. Actually, it feels great to know that I am perfectly okay and that if they are acting inconsiderately, I don’t need to do anything else but to keep my distance. 

I love my own cynicism these days. I trust what I know and I don’t need to prove my point to anyone anymore. I noticed something new in my behavior the other day. During last week I have, for the first time it seems, began to avoid people their eyes more often. By not looking them in the face, it has become easier for me to stay with myself. By rejecting and deflecting demanding and negative stares, I find myself more protected and capable of having my boundary.  

I have no problem identifying and avoiding the topics which others would like to use to exert their dominance over me and pressure me. I will not let them know that I know, but I will keep them guessing and I will talk total nonsense to make that happen. I will even let them dislike me. Rejection is now my badge of honor. I don’t need idiots. I don’t miss them and I don’t think they have anything to offer to me. I feel very good about my ability to get and to stay out of their way. 

It is a victory which didn’t come easy, but at long last I am laughing. I am not responsible for all the trouble that people are in. The fact that I can recognize and accept it makes me think that they must work it out themselves. It is a new thing for me to not feel troubled by the misery of others. This is how things are supposed to be. I am no longer a candidate for being a victim. I am glad to know what I know and to be able to say to myself that I am really better than that!

May 17, 2014

May 17, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

It is strange, but because I have send off a whole bunch of my journal writings to one person, I suddenly feel more confident to send them to other people, even though I haven’t heard from that person about what he thinks of my writing. Some imaginary threshold seems to have been crossed. I am not as apprehensive anymore that my writing isn’t good enough. Last night I send out my writing to a second person. My confidence is boosted by the fact that I will be hired for this new, better paying job. When good things happen my hopes are up, but when bad things happen, my hopes are down. 

Although I have always had plenty of good things happen in my life, it was never enough to give me a lot of confidence. My belief in the good things that could happen has always been much bigger than the good things that were actually happening. My hope that good things are possible has remained unbroken, but my confidence in my own abilities to achieve them has always lacked behind. The saying ‘seeing is believing’ makes sense. My wife would agree that it makes no sense to have great confidence about things that haven’t happened yet.  

My wife’s pragmatic outlook is affecting me. I am not that interested anymore in my increased or decreased moments of confidence as such. Results matter, but my the lack of results matters too. They matter more than anything that replaces this lack of results. A lack of confidence is not the same as a lack of results. A lack of confidence is often a cover up for a lack of results. The negative outcome of one’s actions, for instance a job search, may lead to low confidence  about finding a job, but this low confidence is a big stand in the way in finding a new job. Rejections may be so demotivating that one wants to give up trying, but one can’t allow that. My frustration with what I have achieved is not helping me to achieve what I want to achieve. Although dissatisfaction generates a desire for something better, it doesn’t contribute to the steps I need to take to achieve something better. What matters is that I stay with the data and act on the facts.      

May 16, 2014

May 16, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

Today my wife Bonnie and I both got called with the wonderful news that we are  hired for the jobs for which we were interviewed not too long ago. This is great news. Bonnie got a job offer for employment-eligibility worker and with me they are checking out my references, but they already wanted to inform me that I am hired. In my new job I will be a case-manager of individuals who transition from prison into society. I will give groups in which I teach life skills to get people job-ready and help clients gain access to resources. My main task is to educate people about the possibilities that are open to them. It is paying much better than my current part-time jobs and this is financially very fortunate. I will no longer have to work on the weekends and finally will be covered by insurance. After my references have been checked out, I will sign my contract. 

This means that will be my second and last semester as a part-time Psychology Instructor at Butte College. It was a great experience, but it didn’t pay well and there was not much chance that I would get hired full-time. Also, my part-time job as a Mental Health Worker at the transitional group home with mentally ill clients was okay for the time being, but my salary was very low.  I am glad to be moving on to a better paid position for which I am qualified. 

I was having a thought about my teaching of Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB). As the originator, I am and remain the only expert. Furthermore, the only way to teach it is to insist on it, even though this has often led to social disqualification. I am now for the most part capable of avoiding that and recent events are the proof of that. Although it is certainly true that many people still reject me, I no longer feel so rejected and I basically don’t care anymore about those who reject me. I seem to have developed a ‘thicker skin’ and often find myself privately thinking very negative thoughts about other people.  This used to be a problem for me, but it no longer is. It is quite nice to be able to think covertly instead of overtly and to not get in trouble for saying something I couldn't keep to myself. I don’t experience myself as negative when I think of how negative other people are. To the contrary, I feel much, much better by thinking and by writing that.

May 15, 2014

May 15, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

This writer has the impression as if he returned to himself after he had been gone for a while. Something difficult and tedious has been completed. It was not enjoyable and quite exhausting. It took a lot of energy. The writer feels that somehow he had lost contact with himself and temporarily didn’t know anymore where he was going. Interestingly, with this writing he re-establishes contact with himself. 

When one knows what Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) is, one is bound to feel more troubled by it when one experiences it. This is a form of classical condition in which a conditioned stimulus elicits a response. It is only in retrospect, however, that one realizes that NVB caused one’s Negative Private Self-Talk (NPST). One notices this when one finds one is in doubt and is feeling restless and uncertain. Also, one experiences a decrease in energy, feelings of depletion and stagnation.

These subjective private experiences, when they cannot be expressed in public speech, are bound to be misunderstood as being caused by the individual, who experiences them. For as long as this happens, the individual remains under the spell of his or her in NPST. Only when such individuals articulate their NPST as this writer does, in his writing, or publicly, by talking about it, is it possible to recognize that these negative experiences were in fact caused by NVB public speech. Thus, it is only when one returns to Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) that one realizes one was gone for a while. 

    

This writer is not very satisfied with this writing. It doesn’t seem to explain anything really important. May be when it is read by him tomorrow that he would appreciate it, but for now there doesn’t seem to be much meaning to this explanation. In any case, this is important enough to be written at this moment and time will tell.