March 26, 2015

March 26, 2015

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Engineer

Dear Reader, 

I have discovered how better conversations are working. When I say better, I mean better than what I was used to. What I was used to is not very different from what most people are used to. The only difference between me and most other people is that I apparently felt so bothered by it all that I was compelled to figure out why human beings generally have such bad communication. 

In my estimation, most conversations which go on everywhere fall into the category of Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). This means they are based on negative emotions. It is astounding that we don’t object to the situations which keep creating and perpetuating these negative emotions. This could only continue for so long because we remained inaccurate about the full expression of our emotions. 

The accurate expression of our emotions requires an environment of safety, support, sensitivity, openness and acceptance. Only in such an environment can we have Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB). People are not evil, but environments cause them to behave the way they do. We neither cause our own SVB nor do we cause our NVB.

Anyone can figure out that the categories of SVB and NVB really exist. Anyone can, based on their experiences, distinguish between these two subsets of vocal verbal behavior. I don’t offer anything new in terms of experiences which are available, but I make use of what we have in a different way. I stimulate you to do the same.  However, I’m not interested in making you do exactly as I do. When you will have SVB, you will say different things than I do and that is perfectly all right. 

When we engage in SVB, although we will say different things, they will fit together. They fit together, because we say them for the same reason; we talk to create and maintain SVB. The fact that things don’t fit together in NVB is not accidental. They can’t fit together, because the reason that people engage in NVB is not to fit things together. The reason that we engage in NVB is to set ourselves apart and negative emotions are needed to do this. 

 

We have all experienced conversations that contained a lot of SVB instances and only few NVB instances and conversations that were mainly contained NVB instances and hardly any SVB instances. It is my observation that most of us have only had minimal amounts of SVB and large amounts of NVB. I know how we can change that. Verify what I say and see for yourself if what I say is true. 

I dedicate myself to SVB, but realize that without knowing NVB, we will not be able to have it. I increase the SVB which is already there and I decrease the NVB which was troubling us. Since we don't know about the SVB/NVB distinction, we don’t know what we are missing and we are continuously putting up with NVB. Once the SVB/NVB distinction is clear, we don't put up with NVB anymore. It also becomes apparent to us that only SVB is worth our while and that NVB is basically a total waste of time. 

SVB is not something magic, it either happens or it doesn’t happen, it either can happen or it can’t happen. And, if it can happen, it will happen. It didn’t happen, because it couldn’t happen. Unless what it takes is available, we keep fantasizing and idealizing about something that is actually possible, but which can only come about, if we pay close attention to how we communicate with each other. 

It is not that we can’t make the arrangements that are necessary for SVB or that it is very difficult to make these arrangements, but it is because we don’t know what it actually takes to have SVB that we keep repeating NVB. We will create more SVB only if we are sick and tired of NVB. This is how I began my journey. The expression of my negative emotions simply wasn't working. It isn't working for anyone. Upon realizing this SVB is going to increase.