June 7, 2014

June 7, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

This author was watching a movie in which three men, who had robbed a bank, were being chased in cars by the police. Since they were fleeing to their familiar neighborhoods and news helicopters were following the situation from the air in real time, local gang members got the idea to kill them and steal their money for themselves. The three men tried to escape from house to house, running through kitchens, bedrooms and back yards. Their goal was to find their way to some criminal friend, who owed them a favor. He would be able to take them in his car and transport them to safety. They were constantly shooting and killing innocent people in the process and they were wondering and arguing whether the whole ordeal they had gotten themselves into was even worth it. They also got shot up and wounded themselves, but had to keep going. While trying to fight their way out of another life and death situation one of them said with a smile “there are no problems because there are no morals and there is no hope.” 

This movie illustrates this author’s previous remarks that what appears to be verbal often expresses something nonverbal. There were moments in which the gangsters were catching their breath, sharing a feeling of togetherness, while talking and reminiscing about their past and their girlfriends. During these moments they were temporarily verbal. It seemed as if the only life worth living was a verbal life. Although one of them got killed, two of them made it out. This author was writing yesterday about the escape from the nonverbal and the approach of the verbal. On the one hand, these criminals were escaping from the fact that they were being chased by police and by other gang members, the former trying to imprison them to possibly give them the death penalty, the latter trying to kill them and take their bag of money. On the other hand, they were trying to think out loud and negotiate with each other every choice they made. 

The gang members had taken the little brother of one of the three men hostage and contacted them by cell phone to demand their money. In a weird kind of way the three men now realized that they went through all of this hassle to save the little brother’s life, but he got killed anyway because their verbal behavior repertoires weren’t sufficiently developed to bring him to safety. Instead, another boy, also victimized during this whole terrible ordeal, because his father, who had tried to teach him right from wrong, was killed in front of his eyes, got saved. In spite of the chaos, some weird kind of verbal teaching about right and wrong survived. 

In this raw drama there were numerous examples of failed attempts to be verbal. Each of the men had their own troubles with their wives and with other people they grew up with. Their culture, portrayed by this movie, was one of loyalty to family and to friends, but also one in which men don’t talk with women. Much of the so-called action involved the escape from nonverbal threat which was constantly on their heels.  The only reference to things being good, to nonverbal safety, were  flash backs. All sorts of machismo and sexual innuendos were used to create the impression that there was some sense of community, belonging and comradery.  

This author estimates that the proportion of escape, approach and avoidance behaviors in this movie was 55: 35: 5. Most scenes were graphic portrayals of escape behavior. This author calls it escape from the nonverbal, because the constant violence elicits and emphasizes respondent and not operant behavior.  The only scene in which there was some operant behavior was the one in which the father, who was brutally murdered, was trying to teach his son right from wrong. The approach behaviors involved women, robbing a bank, attempts to reach this friend’s house and trying to save the son. As unfortunately is very often the case, many approach behaviors led to even more escape behaviors. When our approach behaviors don’t represent the potential fulfillment of our real needs, chasing phony needs takes precedent over the pursuit of our real needs. 

Obviously, the pursuit of false needs, such as the robbery of the bank, which supposedly would make them wealthy, inevitably led to the increase in escape behavior. The only thing which could have set the stage for security, stability and well-being was the verbal teaching of right and wrong. In this movie it was pointed out very well that this would have led to avoidance of much trouble. It has not yet been properly looked into how important avoidance behaviors are. To become truly verbal behavior and to learn Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), there must be more of an emphasis on avoidance behavior.  Of course, SVB is based on the avoidance of Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB).

In America there is an emphasis on approach behaviors. Presumably, we can have whatever we want and we can have all our needs met. However, what we pursue is often not what we want. Only when fulfilling what we consider to be our need doesn’t make us happy or doesn't enhance our relationship, do we realize that we must perhaps avoid things rather than approach. Nothing teaches us to avoid things like our relationships do. The opposite is just as true: with the lack of relationship, we see a decrease in our ability to avoid things. Relationships keep us safe because they more reliably protect us against anything which threatens our existence. Because of our relationships we are willing to avoid and able to avoid. Without relationship we can’t avoid anything and we are basically constantly at the mercy of the threatening circumstances which surround us (like in the movie!).

In this movie it is clear that nothing can be avoided by the main characters. All they are able to do is to frantically approach what they believe will fulfill their need. Due to escape behavior they make it out alive. However, with an accurate teaching of right and wrong there would have been no need to escape, because the wrong would have been avoided. Yet, this could only happen if there had been accurate teaching of right and wrong. A lot of escape behavior, as depicted in this movie, is totally ineffective. We may escape one thing, but are again threatened by another. They escaped from the police, but gang members took the son hostage. 

Escape behavior is only effective to the extent that our avoidance behavior and our approach behavior is effective. To the extent that this is not the case, as is often the case, escape behavior is increased instead of decreased. The more escape behaviors dominate our behavioral repertoire the lesser chances we have to accurately assess what we should approach and what we should avoid. Our tendency to approach things at all cost, costs us dearly and we pay a big price for our addictions to what we presumably want. The monstrosity of what we want and approach again and again, is such that in the end it can’t be escaped. 

No matter how much we want to escape from what we ourselves have approached, it is not in the nature of things that this is possible. Since we are the ones who have approached it, escaping is not the way to go. Stopping our approach is much more effective than escaping what we keep approaching. Stopping our approach involves learning how to avoid. This is the teaching of right and wrong which this father was trying to teach to his son. As it happens in the movie, also in real life we give short shrift to our need to teach this. Supposedly, this child has understood, even while his father was slaughtered. Much more teaching is needed than that. Much less emphasis must be made on escape behaviors, which dominates this movie, which is our life. How do we avoid having to escape? How do we fulfil our real needs? 

Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) not only answers these questions, it asks them. We cannot answer questions which were never asked. SVB makes us wonder if we are happy and if others are happy. Our conversation about what reinforces us is the essence of SVB. Only this can make clear to us what we want to approach and what we want to avoid. Once we engage in SVB, it becomes self-evident that we need to avoid much, much more than that we need to approach. In fact, our avoidance behavior dictates what we can approach. Due to SVB, we approach less, avoid more, and consequently, keep our need to escape to a minimum. In Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) we keep escaping, but we are never really safe.

June 6, 2014

June 6, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

There are many situations in which one is expected or even forced to be and to stay verbal. With certain people a nonverbal connection is just impossible because they never developed any verbal way to refer to it. The only way which is acceptable to them is to disconnect from the nonverbal. Noxious Verbal Behavior is a function of a person’s escape from the nonverbal. This escape behavior usually also involves an approach behavior, what is commonly referred to as a lack of boundaries. The nonverbal is escaped from, but the verbal is approached. This automatic approach of the verbal sets the stage of superficiality. 

When people have not been taught that it is acceptable and necessary to refer verbally to the nonverbal, they are incapable of recognizing or acknowledging that their verbal behavior is in fact an expression of their nonverbal experience. Their lack of accurate language for their nonverbal experience determines their inability to express their nonverbal experience verbally. In spite of their verbal failure and inadequacy, such people continue to express their nonverbal experience nonverbally, but do so while believing that they are very verbal. A person like this would say something like: "Didn't I tell you this already a hundred times? When are your ever going to listen?" 

There are musicians who read notes and those who don’t. Those who don't, who are improvising may make it seem as if they are working from some kind of plan, but the reality is, they don’t work from any kind of plan, because they simply imitate each other. To equate their music with that of someone who can play Mozart from a music sheet is like comparing an illiterate with someone who can read and write. Moreover, their music does not evoke any verbal behavior, because it keeps people trapped in a nonverbal experience for which there is no appropriate language, although they may claim to have found that language. Unless we look at what our language is a function of, we fail to recognize and acknowledge the extent to which our verbal behavior is nonverbal and our nonverbal behavior is verbal. 

June 5, 2014

June 5, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

This writer returned two days earlier than expected from a camping trip. His boss is an abusive, manic and narcissistic person, who yesterday night was so hostile towards him and to his colleagues that he decided not to eat and go to bed early. This morning, she was again demanding and angry towards this writer, who was so turned off by her scolding that he didn’t want to eat breakfast. Although he had slept well and is familiar with her rude antics, since he had just given his two week notice, because he is about to leave his job for a better-paid one, this writer had enough of the abuse he had taken for the two years he had worked for this completely unaccountable, incompetent and fanatically religious person. 

His nonverbal response to remove himself from the situation twice, helped him to  decide he should leave. Upon seeing his boss coming towards him, while hollering about things that, according to her, weren’t right, he blurted out “I am not feeling well.” Although she had heard it, she didn’t pay attention to what he said and went on with her tirade. This writer then interrupted her and said “I am going home today, because I am not feeling well.” This finally got her attention and made her ask many interrogating questions, each of which were answered with one or two words. This writer retreated into his tent where he stayed for two hours. His female colleague, who was scheduled to go home today, was going to give him a ride, but his boss arranged instead for a male colleague to take this writer home. This male colleague, who is like a slave to his boss, came to this writer (who was in his tent) at around 11:00am and said “You are going to come with me, I am going to take you home, because E. H. is only driving back at 15:00pm.” This writer instantly answered “No thank you, I'd rather drive back later then with E.H.” Few minutes later, the boss came to this writer’s tent and said in a distrustful, snappy-sounding voice “I don’t understand; if you are not feeling well shouldn’t you want to go home as soon as possible?” This writer then answered “I am not comfortable riding back with R.L.” At which she immediately barked back “Why?” This writer calmly answered “I am not going to go into that now” at which she fell silent for a moment and then shot back “Then I am going to take you home, right now!” This writer calmly said “Okay” and began to pack his belongings. The boss didn’t want this writer to ride back with his female colleague. She kept asking questions, but this writer pretended to have a headache and feel sleepy. She hardly said anything the entire way and the few moments she spoke, she even attempted to sound nice. 

This whole episode is very interesting in that this author didn’t discuss with his boss any of the issues that were troubling him. To the contrary, he had already decided that that would be an utterly useless thing to do. Not eating dinner and breakfast were powerful nonverbal messages which hit home. There was nothing much to be faked about the fact that this author wasn’t feeling very well. Also, this author had gotten better at avoiding people’s stares. This was helping him to stay disconnected from them. At various moments, his boss would ask him stuff or started talking in her hyper-verbal fashion about the clients, but this writer wouldn’t look and gave a one or two word answers. It was a relief to be taken home, to be excused, and to even have her believe that she had helped him. 

This author thinks of the years that he was trying to get better at being more honest with people. It looks like it was all in vain, but it has led to this current ability to convincingly lie and to avoid unnecessary complications. Many people can’t handle the truth because they don’t have the necessary repertoire to absorb the information that doesn’t confirm their beliefs. To know that nothing one says has any effect on them, makes one communicate nonverbally rather than verbally.

June 4, 2014

June 4, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

One of the most astounding aspects about Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) is that pretty much everyone can achieve it without effort, everyone can do it, and everyone already knows it, but is unable to have it deliberately. The reason for this is that generally listening behavior is less developed than speaking behavior. Most of what we say is not listened to by ourselves. It is because we are conditioned by a communication in which we listen to others and make others listen to us that we are not as likely to listen to ourselves. 

Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) is a communication in which speakers are not listening to themselves. In NVB, one human being is speaking and the other is listening. In NVB, due to social rules, the one who is listening is not speaking and, consequently, is not having the opportunity to listen to him or herself. In NVB, the speaker doesn’t need to listen to him or to herself, because others are already listening to him or to her. In NVB, the attention of the speaker and the listener is on the other and is conditioning both to be outward-oriented.  

Because the sound of the voice which is not listened to is different from the sound of the voice that is listened to, there is a difference between SVB and NVB. Simply stated, when we don’t listen to ourselves while we speak we sound terrible. There is unanimous agreement among those who listen to themselves while they speak that those who don’t listen to themselves while they speak sound threatening. The fact that SVB is familiar to all of us, is plain and simple, but SVB continuously eludes us, because it is explained by the lob-sided development of our speaking and listening behaviors.  Even those who don’t do much of the talking overtly are covertly experiencing the continuation of the conversation in which they listen to others, but not to themselves. The person who attempts to listen to him or herself while talking covertly is at a disadvantage of the one who can talk overtly.

   

The question which needs to be asked is: who is most likely to listen? Obviously the person who is most likely to listen, is the person who is most capable of it. The person who does most of the talking overtly, who demands the attention of others by dominating the conversation, in NVB, is the least likely to listen to him or herself or to others while he or she speaks. He or she does what he or she does, because in his or her behavioral history speaking was more often reinforced than listening. The person who is most capable of listening, however, is the person who is feeling most oppressed by NVB and who is consequently most troubled by it. 

The person who most easily differentiates between SVB and NVB, is the person who, on the one hand, has experienced the reinforcing effects of self-listening, but who, on the other hand, like this author, is often dissatisfied with the results of his or her interactions with others. Such a person will, on the one hand, attempt to gain more control of the conversation, and, subsequently, engage more often in NVB, while, on the other hand, based on the positive consequences achieved by his or her self-listening, engage more often in a conversation with him or herself, due to which he or she will withdraw from NVB as much as possible and is able to achieve SVB more often. Since without the distinction between SVB and NVB the importance of self-listening cannot become clear, it is important to realize that those who are most likely to listen, are those who are most likely to speak. 

Paradoxically, the troublemakers, those who don’t agree with the communicators who dominate the conversation, those who themselves repeatedly stimulate NVB, but who, due to already available positive results of SVB, slowly but surely, withdraw from NVB as best as they can, are the ones who have the most history in listening and who can revolutionize the way in which we communicate. Those who dare to be inconsistent, because they recognize the different order that is created by SVB and NVB, those who know that SVB can’t be forced and understand that NVB can’t be stopped, but must be avoided, because it is forced on them, they are most likely to listen to themselves and develop over time the components of SVB.

Those who remain quiet, who, for whatever reason, don’t talk, have the least opportunity to listen to themselves because they don't speak. Just because they are quiet doesn’t mean that they are listening. Similarly, just because a person speaks, doesn’t mean that he or she communicates. The bi-directional relationship between speaking and listening exists within each of us and extends to others. As long as our speaking and listening behaviors are not synchronized, we are unable to evoke this in others. Those who listen more than speak usually talk more covertly, but when they do so in response to NVB, their covert speech has a negative quality. 

Much more harm is done by those who supposedly listen than by those who supposedly speak. Those who supposedly listen do so at the detriment of their own their ability to speak. And, those who claim to listen, are often not listening because they don’t speak. Since generally listening is less developed than speaking, the need for listening is exploited by those who can make others believe that they are listening. Most of those who are supposedly listening are not at all listening, but they are definitely making others believe that they are listening. They know how to dominate the conversation and they make others listen to them. Even while they tell others to listen to themselves, they are basically instructing them to listen to them. Those who pretend to listen are predetermined. They can’t be spontaneous and they don’t allow others to be spontaneous either. Those who supposedly listen prevent the SVB conversation in which our covert speech becomes part again of public speech. Those who supposedly listen are presumed to have abilities that others don’t have, such as consciousness, holiness or empathy, but their minimal speech, doesn't signify that they have a more developed listening. 

The absence of speech always signifies that people have limited listening abilities. Also, those who supposedly listen are often paranoid or socially inapt. Their NVB covert speech goes in overdrive, because nobody has listened to them. Those who claim to be listening to others, are often not listening, because they let others do all the talking. However, those who are really listening are not likely to talk about the fact that they are listening, because they are really talking with others. When people are really talking with each other listening is no longer an issue.        

June 3, 2014

June 3, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

The big Ash tree that was in the author’s back yard is gone and the whole lawn is mulched, because all the roots were grinded down with a machine. It has been a noisy and messy couple of days, but finally the job is done. This way there is more sun in the garden, which is needed for our vegetable patch. Also, other things are possible now that a whole lot of the space has opened up. And, we are left with the firewood, which is pilled-up against our fence. 

This change was accompanied by the two-weeks-notice this author gave to his two jobs. His new job starts in three weeks and he will be making more money. This author welcomes the change because he was feeling bad about his low-paying jobs which were without benefits. This new job is what he and his wife have been striving for since they came back to Chico end of 2012. Better and stable employment is essential since life is very expensive and they own their house and two cars. 

It will take a while to transition from the two old jobs and get used to the new job. The transition has already started and this author notices he is no longer thinking as much about it as he was before. A long time went by before he knew for certain that he had been hired and and the waiting was a draining affair. The author is glad that that is over and he is ready to make a fresh start. His wife hopes he will keep this job until he retires. There are possibilities to grow into this job and this author is intent to keep developing while moving on to better things. 

The air is cool and it is in the middle of the night. In a little while the author will go back to bed, but he wants to write about the peaceful feeling he has due to the current situation. The clock struck one and the wind is rustling in the leaves of trees that are nearby. Something is settling and this author senses a quieting down of his thoughts. Since he is not trying to make this happen, this is happening by itself and there is a new quality to this process.

  

Thinking about this new phase this author has no idea about what he wants to write. He just waits for the words to announce themselves. Some words come, but they aren’t meaningful enough to make it into his writing. It appears as if the author’s thoughts are shaped by his writing. His writing is a way of talking with himself, but in another way than when this is done vocally. He thinks about the relationship between his writing and reading quietly. Occasionally, he still enjoys reading things out loud and when he has written something, he likes to read it out loud to hear how it sounds. It is reassuring to hear what he has written. 

Suddenly, a wave of sadness overcomes him and tears come to his eyes. Why is he so sad about this? He just hit a chord which moves his whole being. It has to do with beauty, but also with emotional pain. Tears are flowing quietly. His body responds to these words which express what he is really feeling. He thinks about how soothing it is to be able to check in with himself like this. Some tears have made their way down his cheeks and are now falling on his chest. Already the feeling of sadness has subsided and the tears have stopped and are drying up. 

Throughout his life this author has on occasion felt like crying. Tonight he also feels he cries, because he has been drinking a couple of beers. When he is a little tipsy he cries easily, but also without drinking he has no problem with it. To him crying has always been a meaningful, relaxing experience, but to many others the expression of tears are seen as if there is something wrong, which had to be stopped. He has always felt so comforted with his crying that he never felt any need to stop it. To the contrary, he has often taken the time to cry and to let it out.

It amazes him how incapable people are of feeling their own emotions. He doesn’t think that when someone cries that such a person is depressed. The depressed person usually doesn’t cry, but if they could, they would probably feel a lot better. This author always feels better after he has cried. He has never felt bad after he had cried. It was simply a natural response of his body, which took over.