July 18, 2014

July 18, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

While working with parolees and probationers and while talking with people who are in the challenging process of returning from prison back into society, this writer discovered something important about Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), which he had not yet given consideration. In the classes he is giving clients use work-books which address some of the issues they are dealing with. Because of the program they are in, they are expected to every day read about, fill in and discuss topics such as addiction, anger management, employment, family relations and decision-making, just to name a few. 

There is no specific focus on Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), but every time clients are more sincere about their problems, it emerges. There is a lot of similarity with an A-A meeting, where alcohol addicts get together in an attempt to talk about, understand and control their addition behaviors. The only difference with our meetings is that we discuss more than only alcoholism and that participants are there because of their crimes, parole or probation. Since a group of troubled individuals gathers under the leadership of someone like this writer, who are hired to lead such a meeting, they inadvertently become part of a social group process, due to which positive outcomes are achieved. 

  

Often clients don’t want to talk about their problems and don’t want to even open their books. The forced conversation relating to this is Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). However, SVB doesn’t require a person to first process their problems. One can have many problems and learn about SVB without doing anything about them. In fact, one can only learn about SVB, by leaving one’s problems alone. This is different from the general view that people usually have about how to deal with their problems. Those who have problems and those who supposedly help others to solve their problems, are primarily focused on and preoccupied with problems. Consequently, they are not able to learn or teach about SVB, which is the communication of a life without problems. This is why SVB is so amazing: it works in spite of the problems one may still have.  

July 17, 2014

July 17, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

A delicious smelling first flower came out on the Gardenia this writer and his wife had recently planted. It is also so nice to see things grow. His wife is really into gardening and she planted a vegetable patch, where she grows tomatoes, squash, cantaloupe, beans and eggplant. So far, the harvest has been good and it is remarkable how fast things grow. Each plant is embedded in a mount and it is nice to look at, especially since the rest of the yard is quite a mess. There was a huge tree they had cut because it was hanging over their house. It had roots above the grass which went throughout the yard, so they had tree service saw down the tree and grind down those roots. They still have to think about what they want to do with that part of their yard. Right now it lays bare, but it is okay for the time being.  

It has cooled down significantly and a breeze enters the bedroom through the open window. Today this writer wants to write about his surroundings. He is sitting on his bed and his wife is getting ready for the day in front of the mirror in the bathroom. The cat Kayla is sitting right behind her and is hoping to get her attention for some brushing before she goes. From where he sits this writer can see the fence of the yard and the hedge of the neighbor which has again reached the height of the fence. Months ago, this hedge had gotten so huge that is was hanging heavily over the fence. This writer had talked about it with the neighbor and had asked her if she was okay if he cut it back. The neighbor responded very positively and had even given him her saw and clippers. She said repeatedly to cut off as much as he thought was necessary. 

This writer stood on a ladder and began trimming the hedge. Since he had a bow saw it was an easy job. Since the neighbor, a divorced woman, who lives by herself, had encouraged him to cut off as much as he liked, this writer thought he would do her a great favor by cutting the hedge to the seize of the fence. It was a job he enjoyed doing. He was sure he was doing her a favor by saving her money she didn’t need to spend on having it done by a gardener. When she saw the result, however, she screamed and complained that he had cut the hedge too short. Although she had repeatedly stated that she wanted this writer to cut off as much as he wanted, she didn’t like what she saw when her hedge, which had given her a sense of privacy, had been cut back to the seize of the fence. She came to this writer’s house and demanded a solution. This writer was at a loss about what to do and felt very sorry for upsetting his new neighbor this way. There was nothing that could be done. The hedge had been cut and this writer decided to buy her Dutch chocolate and cookies to ease the pain. It seemed to calm her down, but she kept being upset about the fact that he had bend over the fence and had cut her hedge too short. This writer had been unaware of the fact that he had working on her property. She insisted he had violated her rights and threatened to sue if she didn’t agree with the solution we offered. 

This writer and his wife, who recently moved into their new house, wanted to do everything possible to get this angry neighbor of their backs. It was eventually settled by buying her a big umbrella, which, instead of the hedge, would then give her shade in her bed room. Initially, this writer had been feeling friendly toward the neighbor, but after this he felt taken advantage of. When they had just moved in this writer had helped his her various times carrying things into her house, but after this debacle he was  no longer inclined to do this. Now the hedge has started to grow back and is reaching again above the fence. We all knew that this was going to happen, but it didn’t matter to her. It still matters to this writer though. He knew when he was cutting the hedge that it would grow back beautifully within one season. So much for neighborly favors. 

The other neighbor, who knows this lady, agreed that she intimidated us with legal action to get her way. In about a month the hedge will have grown three feet above the fence and she will have her shade back. May be we can ask the umbrella back, which cost us more than hundred dollars? I think we should. By the way, she has a big dead tree close to the fence, which needs to be cut down. She will have to pay the tree service fees to have that job done. This writer had wanted to do this for her, but is no longer willing to help her with anything. The  hedge has grown back and that is nice, but the relationship did not grow back.

July 16, 2014

July 16, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

In his new job this writer is required to keep his private speech to himself. When his private speech is different from his public speech, his private speech is having a distracting influence on his public speech. This difference caused him to reveal some of his private speech, which was perceived as distracting from his public speech by his clients. In effect, he was helped by his clients to keep his private speech out of his public speech. It helps to know this, because it allows him to have better public speech. By writing this, this writer feels as if he regained a sense of confidence. This writing is this writer’s way of instructing himself.

It is amazing how comforting this writing is for this writer. By reading what he is saying to himself, he is seeing and getting clear on what is going on more so than when he is only speaking and listening. Writing is a safer and more effective way of stepping back and reflecting than engaging in spoken communication. Until recently this option wasn’t open to him. This writer felt compelled to speak, even if was only with himself. This compulsion, which, due to Catholic upbringing, has been going on for many years, is now slowly decreasing. It has already become much less than it was before and since this is benefiting him, he feels sure that this behavior will eventually extinguish. 

 

This writing is more than just a person talking with himself. This writer is in the process of becoming more knowledgeable about behaviorism and due to his study he is slowly developing a different way of perceiving himself. Now that he is aware that his behavior is always a function of his environment, he is looking at how environmental changes enhance productive and successful behaviors in others as well as in himself. By not revealing to his clients what he is thinking and feeling, he is keeping himself more together and demonstrating to his clients how they can keep themselves together. There is not a whole lot he needs to do. He just needs to relax as much as he can into teaching his classes. This is made possible by keeping his private speech out of his public speech, even though it may still sometimes be distracting him. His distraction is something that his clients can relate to. 

In SVB there is bi-directional speech. The speaker speaks with the listener and the listener, although he or she doesn’t necessarily has to become the speaker, reciprocates what the speaker is saying. However, this can only occur because the speaker is not aversively affecting the listener. In other words, the speaker regulates the listener and the listener is happily listening to the speaker, because nothing is taken away from him or her. To the contrary, something positive is added. Not only does the listener gain understanding of what the speaker is saying, the listener feels included, accepted and respected by and involved with the speaker. This is very different in NVB, in which the listener feels excluded and would like to be included. Although the issue of being included in NVB may be often discussed, the inclusion of the listener by the speaker doesn’t and can’t occur. It can’t occur because of the uni-directional process which is aversive to the listener. When NVB changes to SVB, we all feel the difference. 

When people who sincerely are trying to work through their communication problems are finally are beginning to make sense to each other, it is always because their listening has increased and because they were saying things differently while they were listening to themselves. Since the attention in NVB is on the speaker, on the other, when we are giving more attention to the listener, we are initially still inclined to treat the listener as the other.  In SVB, however, the listener is no longer considered as the other, but as our self, as the speaker. In SVB, we listen to our self while we speak and we listen to each other in the same way as we listen to ourselves. It can be said that in NVB we also listen to each other in the same way as we listen to ourselves. However, in NVB, we don’t listen to ourselves and we don’t listen to each other either. 

To understand SVB, the reader is asked to take the position of the listener, who is capable of speaking with the writer of these words. These words are meant to stimulate the reader to become a speaker, but not NVB speaker, but a speaker, who listens to him or herself while he or she speaks, a SVB speaker. It is best to read this text out loud, so that the reader can hear his or her own sound, while he or she says what he or she reads. If the sound that the reader is hearing is a sound that he or she likes to hear more often, these words will encourage the reader to listen to him or herself while he or she speaks.

July 15, 2014

July 15, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

This journal entry is written with a different letter type “Constantia” and this writer was reminded of what can happen when his writings are under discriminative control of the font he chooses to write with. The stream of writings that this writer has produced in recent times has somewhat subsided and this writer is again trying to find a more inspiring letter type. He was previously writing with letter type “Forte” and he enjoyed that a lot, but the last time he wrote with it, he felt kind of worn out. Also, he has written an announcement for his next seminar in the “Castellar” letter type. It helped and it produced a good announcement, but he doesn’t want to continue to write with it anymore. Apparently, he can only be inspired by the font for so long before his writing becomes more of the same. At this moment, it feels like a relief to be writing with the “Constantia” font again. It is as if some regularity has returned and this writer wants to see what happens when he carries on with that.

It is kind of nice, after having experimented with different fonts, to be back with this one which seems to give a certain calm and stability. The absence of emotional involvement makes it a pleasant experience to write with “Constantia” and to read it. This reminds this writer about speaking and listening. In Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB), speakers can listen to themselves while they speak and they enjoy what they hear. This is different from the saying that someone ‘likes to hear himself talk’. What is meant by that is usually that the person talks on and on, but is not really listening to him or herself while he or she speaks. If one doesn’t listen to one self, one can’t decide whether one likes what one hears. Moreover, if you don’t listen to yourself, because others are made to listen to you, you may imagine that you sound all right, but this is very different when you are made to listen to yourself. When others stop you from talking, because they don’t like what they hear, then you suddenly don’t like what you hear either. You really don’t like to hear that they don’t like to listen to you!!!

The fact that others don’t like to listen to us often unfortunately prevents us from listening to ourselves. When others don’t want to hear what we want to say, our attention tends to go to them, instead of to ourselves. Others respond to us, but we when they express that they don’t want to listen to us, we try whatever we can to make them listen to us. As long as we can get away with this, as long as we can surround ourselves with enablers, we will continue to talk at others, but not with them. This is how Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) works. 

In NVB the speaker doesn’t care about the listener and thus neglects the listener. In NVB all the attention goes continuously to the speaker. If any attention goes to the listener at all, it is only to make sure that the listener keeps on doing exactly as he or she is told by the speaker. In NVB we glorify and placate the coercive speaker and we tell him or her that he or she sounds great when in reality he or she sounds terrible. The listener who fulfills this mandatory energy-draining task is a 'good' listener because he or she reinforces NVB.  

SVB is a listener’s perspective on our spoken communication. The listener is afraid to tell the speaker that he or she sounds horrible, because he or she knows that if he or she would do that, all hell breaks loose. Not enabling the speaker would immediately be punished. In NVB, since the listener is not really a listener at all and the speaker is not really a speaker either, but the spell of make-belief can only be broken by the listener. 

Speakers continue to speak the way they speak regardless of what the listeners think or feel. Speakers continue to use violence to emphasize their words. NVB speakers pay lip-service to their listeners, but make sure they say what listeners ‘want’ to hear. What anyone is forced to hear is based on fear. The listener is not listening although he or she keeps buying into fear. The speaker threatens the listener and then supposedly protects the listener from this threat by doing the talking for him or for her. What happens is that the speaker prevents the listener from speaking. The listener has forgotten that he or she can actually speak. The listener may occasionally speak, but that way of speaking is not the speech which makes the speaker listen. Morever, when listeners to NVB speakers speak, most likely, they don’t listen to themselves either. In NVB, neither the speaker nor the listener listens. When the listener really listens, his or her own private speech becomes one with the public speech of the speaker.  That is SVB!

In NVB the private speech of the listener contradicts the public speech of the speaker. In NVB there is a constant tension between private speech and public speech. In NVB private speech is excluded from public speech. In SVB, the speaker’s private speech is similar to the listener’s private speech and doesn’t interfere with the speaker's public speech. In SVB private and public speech are joined. In NVB private speech and public speech are disconnected. 

A speaker’s public speech may unknowingly or unconsciously be perceived by the listener as disturbing by his or her private speech or the listener's private speech may also knowingly and consciously be perceived as distracting from the public speech of the speaker. The difference between a person’s private and public speech is a subject matter which remains difficult to talk about as long as the attention of the communicators, both the speakers and the listeners, is only on the speaker. In NVB, the attention is always on the speaker and the topic of the conversation is what the speaker says. In SVB, by contrast, the listener determines the topic of the conversation. Moreover, the attention focuses on whether the listener understands the speaker. This sets the stage for a different kind of interaction than one in which the speaker is presumably more important than the listener. In SVB, the speaker is important because he or she is understood by the listener. In NVB, speakers demand the attention from the listeners. 

In SVB, speakers give attention to the listeners due to how they speak. In NVB, speakers hold, hijack and drain the attention of the listeners. Because in SVB attention is given to the listener, the listener is given the opportunity to speak. Because in SVB the attention is given to the listener, the speaker will listen to the listener, who is stimulated by the speaker to speak in a SVB manner. Because NVB speakers dominate the attention of the listener, even when these listeners become speakers, they neither listen to themselves nor to others. The selfishness and dominance of the NVB speakers is characterized by their outward orientation, which affect the listener.  In NVB, the speech only goes in one direction: from the speaker to the listener.  In NVB speaker literally rams whatever he or she says down the listener's throat. In effect, whatever the listener would want to say is forced back by what the speaker is saying.

July 11, 2014

July 11, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

People may say that they don’t want to talk or they only want to talk if they can control the conversation, but that is not a reason to stop talking with them.  It needs to be pointed out that not talking or talking in which one communicator, the speaker, dominates the other, the listener, is NOT communication. This writer has found that the communication can only be continued by insisting on the fact that Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) this is NOT communication. That many people think that dominating each other is the way, means that we keep having NVB. 

Those who do most of the talking produce NVB, not Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB). It couldn’t be any other way. SVB can only be attained and maintained in a deliberate manner, by those who know the contingency that makes it possible. The absence of SVB is a consequence of our lack of communication skills. This lack of skills sets the stage for how we talk. Sophisticated conversation cannot occur due to our blunt ways. The saying "if you only have a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail" comes to mind. The fact that people are trying to listen to each other didn't and couldn't produce SVB. To the contrary, most people keep trying to listen to NVB and are sold on it hook, line and sinker, over and over again. NVB is happening everywhere because it is reinforced. Most environments don't reinforce SVB. What this comes down to is that people simply don't know how to have it.

The distinction between SVB and NVB has never really been made. Attempts have been made to recognize our different ways of communicating, but none of these attempts have lead to a coherent theory which explains what is happening. Stated differently, no matter what we choose to believe, there has never been any real consistency in our way of communicating. One moment there was SVB and the next moment there was NVB, but nobody bothered, because we all bought into it.

The authority of those who sell well, who know how to play on our emotions, is based on the illusion of SVB, while in reality NVB keeps on going. However, we can’t have SVB until we stop selling ourselves. Although we keep trying to convince ourselves that we are really communicating, we are selling ourselves short. We even think that we want to be sold on what someone says and then buy into the message, but we don't realize that SVB, real interaction, can’t be bought. 

SVB doesn't depend on politics, religion, sexual orientation, economics, language, race or culture. Indeed, SVB includes and transcends these familiar categories. NVB, by contrast, gets us stuck to these categories. NVB perpetuates inequality.  SVB exposes NVB, which goes on in the name of human interaction.  The expression of negative emotions is problematic and is neither necessary nor useful. We all  think it is okay to keep burdening each other with negativity, but that must stop.