April 3, 2014

April 3, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

The letter type “Latha” is chosen because it makes the words appear with a lot of space in between. This writer is reinforced by the spaciousness of these words. He calmly waits for words to appear and when they do, he expresses them with a sense of certainty and accuracy. Because his writing is a form of waiting, he observes things which he wouldn’t observe if he were too eager to write. These words are a function of the process of reading while writing. The reading happens while he writes; nothing seems to be happening before he writes or after he has written. These words emerge from a state of meditation, a state of nothingness. However, this is a very positive and rejuvenating experience. The absence of words, or the silence, before he writes, is relaxing and the let go of words, after he has written, is increased as he continues to write. 

Reading while writing is a process of discovery and exploration. Although he isn’t looking for anything, he always finds something he didn’t know. As he keeps writing, he becomes knowledgeable about matters which come together, because the space is available to make that possible. His words are common in that they mean what they mean, but they are unusual in how they are combined. The words reaching, touching, embracing and cherishing come to mind, to describe the phenomenon he has stumbled on. His writing is based on positive, caring emotions which have a protective quality. 

It surprises this writer that he can experience such a great sense of safety by merely writing some words that make him feel that way. The words he uses express his direct experience. They are not expressing a longing for comfort, but they express the felt comfort itself. There is no difference between the description and the described and the reader can understand and experience this phenomenon too. While the writer writes these words, he is also the reader. Stated differently, the writer reads while he writes what he writes. In this way, the writer is and stays connected to the reader. 

In Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) we speak a language that creates space. We wait for words to reveal to us what we want to say. We haven’t said what we wanted to say, because we never took time to say it. It takes time to say what we want to say, but we cannot take time. The time that it takes to say what we want to say has to be given to us. We cannot say what we want to say if the time is not given to us. Each time we take time of others to say what we want to say, we don’t say what we want to say, we can’t say what we want to say. We are only capable of saying what we want to say, if we give ourselves time to say it and stop taking the time of others. As long as we are taking each other's time, we are preventing ourselves and each other from saying what we want to say. If we give each other time to say what we want to say, we can say what we want to say. Moreover, if we give each other time to say what we want to say, we give ourselves the time to say what we want to say. Summed up, we give ourselves and each other the time to say what we want to say or we don’t give ourselves and each other the time to say what we want to say. It always involves speakers and listeners to say what we want to say. And, we so badly wanted to say what we wanted to say, because there were no listeners. If there had been listeners, we wouldn't want to say it so badly. The absence of listening is a common problem in relationship. 

Because of the ongoing absence of listening we have too much of a focus on speaking. Those who speak want to be listened too, but few are listening. Many speakers speak without acknowledging that hardly anyone is listening. Because Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) has a long and SVB a short history, we are more likely reinforced for our NVB. Only those who listen to themselves are reinforced for SVB. As long as we want others to listen to us, we are not listening to ourselves. Our focus on others prevents this. To listen to ourselves we must be focused on ourselves. We can only do that if our way of talking stimulates us to focus on ourselves. SVB stimulates us to focus on ourselves. 

During SVB the speaker listens to him or herself, while he or she speaks. Attention for the sound of one's voice happens simultaneously with attention for the production of one's words. Consequently, SVB makes us conscious communicators. In NVB, by contrast, we are mechanical communicators. In NVB we don’t realize that we neither listen to ourselves nor to each other. It is odd, but once we have SVB, we recognize that in NVB there are only speakers, but no listeners. Since only few people can dominate in public speech, most speaking in NVB happens at a covert level. NVB private speech makes us think we are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings, which are a function of public speech.

Once we have SVB it becomes apparent that positive private speech or covert SVB is caused by SVB public speech. Moreover, in SVB there is no longer a separation between public and private speech, because they are perceived as belonging to the same reality. Only in NVB are public and private speech perceived as separate. Imaginary separation of public and private speech causes all communication problems. It is an inaccurate account of reality. An accurate account of reality requires a process of observation and description which only becomes possible when we relax and are at ease while we interact. Any predetermined goals bias our observations and make us repeat our beliefs. The absence of stimuli that set the stage for SVB involves the presence of stimuli that cause NVB. 

We produce SVB or NVB because we have an autonomic nervous system. As long as there is aversive stimulation, SVB is impossible. Authentic interaction can only occur if no fight, flight or freeze mechanisms are activated. Inhibition of these phylogenetic systems is not a matter of cortical control, but a matter of the absence of stimuli that trigger these  autonomic responses. We can’t think our way out of our biology, we can understand it and then facilitate the environment which sets the stage for SVB. In SVB we perceive each other as our safe environment. Our environment interacts with us and we interact with our environment. This bi-directional interaction characterizes SVB. NVB is uni-directional in that speakers do not speak with listeners, but speak at them. 

What goes on in the name of spoken communication is not spoken communication. We have accepted as normal something which is abnormal. In effect, we accept ways of interacting which dissociate us from reality. This is an issue we need to come to terms with. We have been used to ways of interacting in which we depart from reality. In NVB, speakers pretend to be speaking, while listeners pretend to be listening. Once we have SVB, we realize that in NVB speakers couldn’t be speaking and listeners couldn’t be listening. NVB is a masquerade of make belief. No matter how much we are inclined to produce NVB, the reality is still there waiting to be properly addressed. Since we are all in the same boat when it comes to NVB, nobody is at fault for producing it. 

SVB and NVB are two dimensions of how human beings deal with each other. In the latter, they dominate, punish, exploit, manipulate, oppress, coerce, humiliate and disrespect each other, but in the former they support, reinforce, regulate, accept, invite and encourage each other. We have condoned NVB because we didn’t have clarity about how different it is from SVB. Observing verbal behavior is like observing an apple. When the apple is rotten, we don’t eat it, but if the apple is rotten on the inside, we can’t see it and we might bite in a rotten apple. The same is true for the way in which we communicate. As we can’t yet realize that we are dealing with NVB, the only way to find out about it is by biting into it and by discovering that it is rotten. We must acknowledge NVB first in order to be able to have SVB. Our learning of SVB can occur only to the extent to which we can recognize NVB. Most of what goes on in the name of interaction has nothing to do with interaction. The devastating presence of NVB in every society across the globe tells us how little we know and how incapable we are in predicting our future. With SVB we know what our future is going to be like: our healthy, happy relationships will support us to get there. The future of SVB is the decrease and ultimately the extinction of NVB. In SVB we experience an interaction that is based only on positive emotions. The expression of negative emotions has prevented and undermined understanding of human relationship.