May 17, 2014

May 17, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

It is strange, but because I have send off a whole bunch of my journal writings to one person, I suddenly feel more confident to send them to other people, even though I haven’t heard from that person about what he thinks of my writing. Some imaginary threshold seems to have been crossed. I am not as apprehensive anymore that my writing isn’t good enough. Last night I send out my writing to a second person. My confidence is boosted by the fact that I will be hired for this new, better paying job. When good things happen my hopes are up, but when bad things happen, my hopes are down. 

Although I have always had plenty of good things happen in my life, it was never enough to give me a lot of confidence. My belief in the good things that could happen has always been much bigger than the good things that were actually happening. My hope that good things are possible has remained unbroken, but my confidence in my own abilities to achieve them has always lacked behind. The saying ‘seeing is believing’ makes sense. My wife would agree that it makes no sense to have great confidence about things that haven’t happened yet.  

My wife’s pragmatic outlook is affecting me. I am not that interested anymore in my increased or decreased moments of confidence as such. Results matter, but my the lack of results matters too. They matter more than anything that replaces this lack of results. A lack of confidence is not the same as a lack of results. A lack of confidence is often a cover up for a lack of results. The negative outcome of one’s actions, for instance a job search, may lead to low confidence  about finding a job, but this low confidence is a big stand in the way in finding a new job. Rejections may be so demotivating that one wants to give up trying, but one can’t allow that. My frustration with what I have achieved is not helping me to achieve what I want to achieve. Although dissatisfaction generates a desire for something better, it doesn’t contribute to the steps I need to take to achieve something better. What matters is that I stay with the data and act on the facts.