June 3, 2014

June 3, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

The big Ash tree that was in the author’s back yard is gone and the whole lawn is mulched, because all the roots were grinded down with a machine. It has been a noisy and messy couple of days, but finally the job is done. This way there is more sun in the garden, which is needed for our vegetable patch. Also, other things are possible now that a whole lot of the space has opened up. And, we are left with the firewood, which is pilled-up against our fence. 

This change was accompanied by the two-weeks-notice this author gave to his two jobs. His new job starts in three weeks and he will be making more money. This author welcomes the change because he was feeling bad about his low-paying jobs which were without benefits. This new job is what he and his wife have been striving for since they came back to Chico end of 2012. Better and stable employment is essential since life is very expensive and they own their house and two cars. 

It will take a while to transition from the two old jobs and get used to the new job. The transition has already started and this author notices he is no longer thinking as much about it as he was before. A long time went by before he knew for certain that he had been hired and and the waiting was a draining affair. The author is glad that that is over and he is ready to make a fresh start. His wife hopes he will keep this job until he retires. There are possibilities to grow into this job and this author is intent to keep developing while moving on to better things. 

The air is cool and it is in the middle of the night. In a little while the author will go back to bed, but he wants to write about the peaceful feeling he has due to the current situation. The clock struck one and the wind is rustling in the leaves of trees that are nearby. Something is settling and this author senses a quieting down of his thoughts. Since he is not trying to make this happen, this is happening by itself and there is a new quality to this process.

  

Thinking about this new phase this author has no idea about what he wants to write. He just waits for the words to announce themselves. Some words come, but they aren’t meaningful enough to make it into his writing. It appears as if the author’s thoughts are shaped by his writing. His writing is a way of talking with himself, but in another way than when this is done vocally. He thinks about the relationship between his writing and reading quietly. Occasionally, he still enjoys reading things out loud and when he has written something, he likes to read it out loud to hear how it sounds. It is reassuring to hear what he has written. 

Suddenly, a wave of sadness overcomes him and tears come to his eyes. Why is he so sad about this? He just hit a chord which moves his whole being. It has to do with beauty, but also with emotional pain. Tears are flowing quietly. His body responds to these words which express what he is really feeling. He thinks about how soothing it is to be able to check in with himself like this. Some tears have made their way down his cheeks and are now falling on his chest. Already the feeling of sadness has subsided and the tears have stopped and are drying up. 

Throughout his life this author has on occasion felt like crying. Tonight he also feels he cries, because he has been drinking a couple of beers. When he is a little tipsy he cries easily, but also without drinking he has no problem with it. To him crying has always been a meaningful, relaxing experience, but to many others the expression of tears are seen as if there is something wrong, which had to be stopped. He has always felt so comforted with his crying that he never felt any need to stop it. To the contrary, he has often taken the time to cry and to let it out.

It amazes him how incapable people are of feeling their own emotions. He doesn’t think that when someone cries that such a person is depressed. The depressed person usually doesn’t cry, but if they could, they would probably feel a lot better. This author always feels better after he has cried. He has never felt bad after he had cried. It was simply a natural response of his body, which took over.