September 18, 2016

September 18, 2016 

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Engineer

Dear Reader,

Yesterday my clients and I laughed a lot as we were exploring how people say all sort of things which they don’t really mean. For instance, people say they are sorry, but they are not sorry. They say: “I don’t mean to disturb you”, but they disturb you anyway; they say: “I don’t mean rain on your parade, but…” they rain on your parade; or “I hate to bring it to you, but…” they seem to enjoy telling you everything that is wrong about you; others may say “I don’t mean to interrupt, but..”, they interrupt you; or “I don’t mean to be rude, but…”, they are rude to you. 

What are we to make of this? Does saying what we do justify what we do? We say “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but…” we say something which sounds harsh. It is obvious that we affect each other with the sound of our voice. Moreover, in each of these examples the speaker knows damned well he or she produces Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). 

Someone may say “I don’t mean to cut you off, but…” they cut you off; “I don’t mean to judge you, but..” they judge you; and “I don’t mean to upset you” when they upset you. In each of these cases the listener is likely to experience the speaker’s voice as an aversive stimulus. 

As these examples illustrate, the speaker knows he or she dominates the listener, but he or she covers it up by saying what he or she says. It is very common.  Listeners may say of such a dominating speaker: “he likes to hear himself talk”, but what they really mean is that he forces them to listen to him and, therefore, he is not listening to himself at all, as is always the case in NVB. The NVB speaker doesn’t listen to himself or herself as this would change his or her insensitive demeanor.