Pause,
I
hope you can experience my writing as a short breather from your constant
involvement in what I call Disembodied Language (DL). You may have never given
your relationship with language a name, but I believe that the name I give it
is the right name, because you absolutely do not feel what language actually
does to you. The pause that these words put in for you makes it possible to
realize that you are literally driving yourself and others crazy with your
language, and so if you stop doing that for a while, as you perhaps do right now,
you realize that there is another way is to deal with your language. Embodied
Language (EL) is possible because we listen to ourselves, but it is also the
articulation of what is true for us.
If
we don't even know our own truth, as individuals, then we are sucked up by the verbal
vortex, which keeps everyone busy. For me, that was always accompanied by a
feeling of great resistance and disgust. It is only now, I can understand
why I was always so dissatisfied and reactive. Though I've tried desperately to
be and act like others and though I've tried to prove to myself that I can do
it, I feel like I've never really been able to participate in what everyone
considers be normal. This is because my language and my behavior, from an early
age, was criticized, judged and punished. I wanted so badly to do it right, but
kept getting it wrong. I was, so to speak, just an obnoxious and defiant kid,
who clearly seemed to have an authority conflict.
I
always knew that everything was different from what was claimed and I only
believed in those who didn’t care about the opinions of others and were not
ashamed to exaggerate or justify their right. My tendencies to overdo it, to be
seen or heard, to be important in the eyes of my peers—and to gain attention
and appreciation from others—always backfired. I couldn't lie convincingly and
always fell through almost immediately. I remember well how I cried and
aggrieved myself and wondered: why is it everyone lies or betrays others and still
manages to get away with it, while I always get caught right away? It seemed so
unfair to me, I was always the prick and punished and beaten for my bad
behavior.
In
my difficult childhood, in which I could never do anything right and got caught
for my mischief, I was always on the street, because there I could have my
freedom. I unknowingly avoided any form of authority and my obstinate behavior
often resulted in rejection. I couldn't understand why I didn't belong or
couldn't be like everyone else. By now I know better. I was always convinced of
my own right, because I hated being punished. Every time I took out my anger
and frustrations, I only got into more trouble. The only one who seemed to
recognize my drama was I myself and so I walked – even as a child – talking and
crying to myself in the street, always proving myself right.
Every
time I did something rowdy again, there was a pause for me to talk to myself,
about why I did what I did. Very often I didn't understand myself, because I
didn't really want to do what I did, but, despite all the negative
consequences, I did it anyway. I couldn't seem to resist. I've had many bad boy
pranks, but now realize that I was looking for my limits, which I eventually
found out, in what I told myself about what was going on with me.
Because
others usually only spoke to me in a negative and dismissive way, I didn't
listen and was told thousands of times that I didn't want to listen. It was
true, because I only listened to myself or to those who were nice to me.
Despite being judged, humiliated and belittled so many times, I still listened
to myself because it made me happy. It wasn't until I discovered my EL in my
early twenties that I started to realize I was absolutely right about what I
always wanted. My EL informed me that everyone, through conditioning - and
therefore unconsciously - is used to DL and therefore acts in the way that I
find so repulsive.
As
I write all this, I no longer feel sad about what has happened. I've always
wanted it that way and everything is exactly as it can be. My ongoing EL gave
me the break I needed to discover my true nature. In EL there is no problem
anymore and that's how I realized my Language Enlightenment (LE). Anyone who,
like me, has the guts to take a stand against DL will come to appreciate the
break EL makes possible. As soon as our DL stops and our EL begins, we enter
another world, which we ourselves have created with our language. Our LE was
already the case, but we had never got around to it because of our DL. The
silence of our LE is so beautiful and enjoyable, because with EL we put into
words everything that really matters to us.