Pause,

 

I hope you can experience my writing as a short breather from your constant involvement in what I call Disembodied Language (DL). You may have never given your relationship with language a name, but I believe that the name I give it is the right name, because you absolutely do not feel what language actually does to you. The pause that these words put in for you makes it possible to realize that you are literally driving yourself and others crazy with your language, and so if you stop doing that for a while, as you perhaps do right now, you realize that there is another way is to deal with your language. Embodied Language (EL) is possible because we listen to ourselves, but it is also the articulation of what is true for us.

 

If we don't even know our own truth, as individuals, then we are sucked up by the verbal vortex, which keeps everyone busy. For me, that was always accompanied by a feeling of great resistance and disgust. It is only now, I can understand why I was always so dissatisfied and reactive. Though I've tried desperately to be and act like others and though I've tried to prove to myself that I can do it, I feel like I've never really been able to participate in what everyone considers be normal. This is because my language and my behavior, from an early age, was criticized, judged and punished. I wanted so badly to do it right, but kept getting it wrong. I was, so to speak, just an obnoxious and defiant kid, who clearly seemed to have an authority conflict.

 

I always knew that everything was different from what was claimed and I only believed in those who didn’t care about the opinions of others and were not ashamed to exaggerate or justify their right. My tendencies to overdo it, to be seen or heard, to be important in the eyes of my peers—and to gain attention and appreciation from others—always backfired. I couldn't lie convincingly and always fell through almost immediately. I remember well how I cried and aggrieved myself and wondered: why is it  everyone lies or betrays others and still manages to get away with it, while I always get caught right away? It seemed so unfair to me, I was always the prick and punished and beaten for my bad behavior.

 

In my difficult childhood, in which I could never do anything right and got caught for my mischief, I was always on the street, because there I could have my freedom. I unknowingly avoided any form of authority and my obstinate behavior often resulted in rejection. I couldn't understand why I didn't belong or couldn't be like everyone else. By now I know better. I was always convinced of my own right, because I hated being punished. Every time I took out my anger and frustrations, I only got into more trouble. The only one who seemed to recognize my drama was I myself and so I walked – even as a child – talking and crying to myself in the street, always proving myself right.

 

Every time I did something rowdy again, there was a pause for me to talk to myself, about why I did what I did. Very often I didn't understand myself, because I didn't really want to do what I did, but, despite all the negative consequences, I did it anyway. I couldn't seem to resist. I've had many bad boy pranks, but now realize that I was looking for my limits, which I eventually found out, in what I told myself about what was going on with me.

 

Because others usually only spoke to me in a negative and dismissive way, I didn't listen and was told thousands of times that I didn't want to listen. It was true, because I only listened to myself or to those who were nice to me. Despite being judged, humiliated and belittled so many times, I still listened to myself because it made me happy. It wasn't until I discovered my EL in my early twenties that I started to realize I was absolutely right about what I always wanted. My EL informed me that everyone, through conditioning - and therefore unconsciously - is used to DL and therefore acts in the way that I find so repulsive.

As I write all this, I no longer feel sad about what has happened. I've always wanted it that way and everything is exactly as it can be. My ongoing EL gave me the break I needed to discover my true nature. In EL there is no problem anymore and that's how I realized my Language Enlightenment (LE). Anyone who, like me, has the guts to take a stand against DL will come to appreciate the break EL makes possible. As soon as our DL stops and our EL begins, we enter another world, which we ourselves have created with our language. Our LE was already the case, but we had never got around to it because of our DL. The silence of our LE is so beautiful and enjoyable, because with EL we put into words everything that really matters to us.