Mediocre Humor,

 

Since you cannot handle real humor anymore, I’ve got some mediocre humor for you. Please, be careful and don’t read too much into it. You can only manage a little bit of laughter. Portion size is important. Putting a damper on it, is the right thing to do. The last thing I would want, is  to burden you, with too much laughter. You are already burdened with so many other things.

 

What others find funny, isn’t funny for you and this requires customized humor, to match your superficiality. Don’t be ashamed for admitting, you have special needs, which can only be met by a sensitive expert, who knows how to avoid stepping on your long toes of your stinking feet. Fortunately, you haven’t caught any disease yet with your foot in your mouth and to keep it that way, it is best, to go on, as if everything is fine.

 

Compliments for your great empathy, for the failed stand-up comedian, who simply had too much on its plate, to yank some phony laughter out of you. Very gracious of you, that in spite of the low quality, you did your part, by making an effort, to produce a sound. It is inconvenient, and asking a lot from you, to laugh, when life is as dreadful as yours, but you pulled it off. Your stupid problems, unexpectedly, have given birth to the minimal fun, which you can appreciate.

 

Finally, there is some understanding: it is the right amount of humor, which is needed. All this commotion about the right kind of humor was beside the point. One shouldn’t try to change something that is working well. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. You needed less, not more laughter. All these overwhelming, screaming idiots, who try to fake it, until they make it, are too much.

 

Your itch for humor never really was that big in the first place and you deserve credit, for your modesty. Apparently, most blunt comedians were scratching you too hard. Actually, you are a less demanding audience then they believed. They wrongly assumed, you wanted to laugh very much. Gas-lighting would-be-humorists are truly the most insidious kind of terrorists.

 

I appreciate, you have such a low threshold for humor, as that gives me a chance to do, what I do best and enjoy doing. Sometimes, there’s a whole in the fence and the sun shines through.  Your uptightness, about any verbal deviation, is like a small ray of light-heartedness. However, it is too little, too late, because you have changed the meaning of words. Everyone who talks with you is up against a wall of words, which can’t be used for humor, because nobody knows what they mean. It’s hard to get your attention, but, truthfully, one moment seems to be enough.

 

There ain’t no use complaining about someone who is always complaining. You can’t help your addiction to criticism. Get your fix and get on with things. A little scolding can be fun and makes you feel better already. I recommend, try having some laughter in my absence. What you need, is do things, only when you feel like it and always on your own terms. Less is better.

 

You don’t need to learn how to laugh, but you need to learn how not to laugh. I’m not making this up. What I claim is based on my objective, scientific observation of your lame response. There is clearly hardly any effect in you, which has anything to do with me. We are dealing with extraneous, laughter-inducing variables, which result in the tendency to laugh too much. Realistically speaking, you are still laughing too often. There is a problem with your inability to inhibit your laughter and your fanatic, but false belief in what is funny, is no longer functioning as the enormous roadblock, it was meant to be.  

 

The data do not support the funny-bone theory. Indeed, it is now a proven fact, that none of the celebrated, overrated, supposedly, concerned comedians have any backbone. It is the blatant production of spineless humor, which got under the skin of obedient people, who were sitting up with their ears pricked for little ha-ha. Jokes have ravished the continent. Also, slouchy and sleezy humor have reared their heads again.       

 

We seem to be getting somewhere. Are you laughing so little, because of me or because of the tape of a laughing audience? We’ve got to get to the very bottom of it. Even the smallest amount of laughter is not a belief. The canned laughter isn’t your laughter, and all the research is backing this up. You’ve been serious about the wrong thing, and we have evidence, which cannot be refuted. When there is absolutely nothing to laugh about, pretending to have fun is the only thing you can do. You keep behaving this way, in spite of what I say. We have solved the ancient audience-expectation-problem by lowering the standard. Now we can go to sleep.