Family,

 

The unit of every society – around the world – is still the family, not the individual. Although people have achieved individual freedoms, in  Western Democratic societies, these hard-won freedoms are evaporating, in front of their very eyes, because they have never acknowledged the difference between Disembodied Language (DL) – which can be called the language of the group or the family – and Embodied Language (EL) – which is the language of the individual.

 

Regardless of whether we are fortunate enough to live in a culture of so-called freedom or in an oppressive, autocratic or totalitarian culture, we all engage, unconsciously, in DL. Those, who live in ‘free’ societies are better off than those who are not, as only they can enjoy these individual freedoms. However, if we consider the negative effects of DL, they are just as much deprived as those, who don’t live in societies where there is individual freedom. The dumb language of the family – DL – still dominates every individual.  

 

Irrelevant of where one happens to be born or where one happens to live one’s life, human beings have behaved neurotically, pretentiously, problematically, mechanically and insensitively, while making it seem as if family-life is man’s ultimate achievement. It is no coincidence, that our unintelligent DL can be found everywhere and has never been properly addressed with EL.

 

The history of the noun family is interesting, in that it refers to obligation, lack of freedom and subservience. In the 15^th century family meant “servants of a household” from Latin familia “family servants, domestics collectively, the servants in a household” thus also “members of a household, the estate, property; the household including relatives and servants”, abstract noun formed from famulus “servant, slave.” In Latin, the word family rarely appears in the sense “parents with their children” for which “domus (see domestic, adj.) was used. Derivatives of famulus include famula “serving woman, maid”, famulanter “in the manner of a servant”, famulitas “servitude”, familiaris “of one’s household, private”, familiaricus “of household slaves”, familiaritas “close friendship” (from Online Etymology Dictionary).

 

Surely, it would, of course, be wonderful, if there could truly be, one big happy family, a family, that is characterized by happiness and harmony, but the unaddressed reality is, we are conditioned to have DL by our families. Our EL never really gets a chance, because it is treated as anti-social and punished. We were taught, in DL, that listening means: listening to others, but not listening to ourselves. To be able to listen to ourselves, we must talk with ourselves, to hear ourselves, but, in DL, talking only means: talking with others, but not, talking with ourselves. Said differently, in our family, we are taught to listen to authority outside ourselves, but no attention is given to speaking with ourselves and listening to ourselves. Such attention is only produced, if you talk with me, as no one with DL stimulates someone else to have EL, only someone with EL can do that. This is behaviorism 101: behavior is reinforced by its consequences. Someone with DL is incapable of reinforcing EL and, yes, only someone who has it can reinforce EL of others.

 

In every society, around the world, people have  been romanticizing about the presumed virtues of family-life. The fact, however, is that our EL could never emerge in our family. Moreover, it could only reveal itself to anyone, who is really sick and tired of the DL, which is perpetuated by our family. I myself was in that position and I was feeling very troubled for many years, as the only way to continue my EL, was to disconnect from my family, who seemed to drag me into DL again and again. It was for this reason, I didn’t want to create my own family, as I wanted to be able to pursue, what, according to me, no one has ever pursued, namely, his or her own ongoing EL.  

 

It runs in the family. Yes, DL runs in every family. These language traits are behaviors, which are passed from one generation to the next. If we are going to have EL, in the future, it will not be passed on by our family. The family’s focus on others is the biggest stand in the way for EL. EL is only for the individual, who can be alone with him or herself. Religious people retreated from their family, from societies, into monasteries, caves, mountains, forests or ashrams, but they have never considered the difference between their DL and EL, so that they could continue EL. They seek to undo the ties, which burden and bind, but they never succeed in going beyond their so-called mind, as they don’t acknowledge the language of dissatisfaction, which is our DL.

 

In spite of what people claim, the principles and beliefs of what even the best family considers to be important, the so-called family values, are a sure recipe for a life-long, self-undermining behavioral pattern. It is because DL was never addressed by our EL, we haven’t acknowledged this. These morals are emphasized, because, in reality, something is missing. Honesty, respect and a good sense of humor, don’t need to be addressed, if we are going to have ongoing EL.

 

The famous saying, family comes first, says it all. We have always sacrificed our individuality for our family. Although the family or the tribe was important to survive, in a modern free society, we urgently need to now abandon any kind of tribalism, if we want our culture of individual freedom to survive. This makes the difference between our DL and EL the quintessential issue of our time. When we keep prioritizing our family above all else, group behavior will triumph over individual behavior.

 

Unity is indeed crucial for a family’s survival. As the saying goes: a house divided cannot stand. But, how can we be at peace with each other, if we are not at peace with ourselves? Due to our unconscious DL, we make this so-called peace with others more important, than peace with ourselves. Although we may say: home is where the heart is, my heart is only beating in my own body. To feel my heart, I must speak with and hear myself. Supposedly, no matter where our life takes us, home is where the heart is, with our family, but this determines, that we are all over the place, which is what happens in DL.

 

Overrated family ties, kept through thick and thin, symbolize a chronic lack of boundaries. Tight-knit families are believed to be close and strongly united, but the reality is, everyone is enmeshed and into each other’s business. On the one hand, secrets can never stay secrets for very long, within the family, but, on the other hand, secrets of dysfunctionality and abuse are shamefully and guiltily hidden from outsiders. I was always treated as an outsider in my family, because I wanted EL.  If you like to hear me read this writing, go to my You Tube Channel: maximuspeperkamp-hw8sw