Fantasy,

 

When you are going to have ongoing Embodied Language (EL) – instead of only a few, brief, haphazard moments of it – you are going to come out of and recover from all the fantasies, which you have believed in, while you were still  engaging in your Disembodied Language (DL).

 

EL is not some fantasy, but is about your reality. The reality of your EL shows, you have been describing and explaining your own behavior with DL incorrectly. With EL, you describe your experiences properly and satisfyingly, but with DL, you don’t even realize, your mechanical way of using language works against you. Since you remain unaware about how you effect yourself with your own DL, you, inadvertently, resort to fantasy, which has many emotional, intellectual,  spiritual, political, educational and professional components. Since you listen to yourself while you speak, your voice is in EL embodied. This is why your EL always only has positive outcomes.

 

Another way of saying – pun intended…I explain this later – is that with EL, you can be, who you are, as you experience yourself, because your language finally matches with your experience. In DL, this congruent connection isn’t missing, because you, as a speaker, are not listening to yourself. Moreover, with your DL, you are – whether you know it or not, whether you are aware of it or not, whether you admit it or not – always trying to be yourself and to have EL. By the way, this is why, no matter how stupid we behave, we always believe to be right. Surely, trying to have EL or trying to be yourself, is not the same as having EL and really being yourself.

 

EL doesn’t happen because we are trying, but because we let it happen. As long as you keep on demanding, repeating, intimidating, forcing, pushing, manipulating, avoiding, dominating, distracting or defending, with your language, you engage in DL, and you cannot be yourself. EL unfolds naturally and effortlessly and any sense of doer-ship is gone. However, the moment we, out of habit, engage in DL again, this sense of agency, re-appears or, at least, so it seems.

 

What happens is, our so-called return to DL, occurs, when we don’t speak. When we speak again, we verbalize, what appears to have been going on inside of us. Yet, with EL, we know that there is never any language inside of us, and, therefore, our sense, that we were having DL, while being silent, while not saying anything, is imaginary. We only realize this retrospectively, when we engage again in EL. Whenever people say: I think this or that…they don’t realize, they are only saying it. What we call thinking, is the wrong way in which we speak about language. That was the pun, I was before referring to.

 

If we don’t speak, write, listen or read, there is never any DL, that is, there cannot be any DL, inside of us. Of course, the same is true for EL, but with EL, we don’t have any problem with it, even though, we also imagine it – as positive private speech or covert self-talk – to happen inside us. You could say that imaginary inner EL is experienced as a pleasant daydream, but imaginary inner DL is felt as nightmare by day. Our belief in inner DL is uncomfortable, as it assumes, it effects our so-called mind, our thoughts, our experiences, our feelings or our being. While we are not speaking, listening, writing or reading, we imagine, that these inner concepts are accompanied by inner language, but in reality, they are merely our physiological sensations, which are without any language.

 

After we’ve had some EL, it is very clear to us, that we become quiet. What does it mean, to be quiet? It means, we can feel what we feel, without any language. It can be compared to waking up in the morning after a restful sleep. Initially, we are still a bit sleepy, thus, without any language, but as the day gets started, our preferred fantasy, our so-called mind, kicks into gear, while, unknowingly, we pretend to think. If we would take some time, to talk out loud with ourselves, about what we supposedly think, we would immediately notice – that is, if we listen to ourselves while we speak – that the fantasy of our thinking dissolves, as we are able of step out of all our stress, fear, tension, distraction, frustration, anger, jealousy, etc., etc, etc, etc.

 

It is only when we let ourselves know – as often as we want to, most likely, over and over again – language is always an overt phenomenon, that we can fully attend to our body, without imagining, we are engaging in language. Stated differently, our direct experience of who we are, is not a verbal phenomenon, but it only becomes a verbal phenomenon, when we either engage in DL or in EL. In DL, our verbal expression of who we appear to be is false and, consequently, giving us nothing but problems, but in EL, all our verbal descriptions of who we appear to be dissolve, because there is no inner language and, we can say or write everything we are capable of saying or writing and we feel satisfied and peaceful because of our this. Also, this – being without any language – is felt by us, each time before we begin to have EL, which indicates, that being without our mind or our so-called thinking, is our natural state, before, as well as after we have engaged in language.

 

Our EL illustrates, we are using our language consciously, that is, correctly, and, when we are done, there is no involvement whatsoever in any language anymore, as we are no longer fantasizing or obsessing about our involvement with words. This fantasy of our inner language, which we have called our thoughts, of course, also occurs during our sleep, in the form of disturbing dreams. During our dreams, our fantasy-language goes wild and is even stronger than during our waking state. Certainly, our dreams have as little meaning as our thoughts, because our inner language has never existed.

 

Naturally, our fantasy about inner language can only be dismantled during our waking state, by engaging in EL. What has been called thinking, should be replaced by talking. What has been called understanding, should be replaced by listening. Furthermore, our writing and reading should always be about speaking and listening. However, such writing – this writing – only can emerge from our participation in EL, and such reading only makes sense to those, who have engaged in EL. Currently, all writing and reading is grounded in DL, and in the continuation of the unintelligent fantasy that is called our mind.

 

Anyone with EL, will acknowledge, our common way of talking – DL – is fairytale fantasy. As we haven’t even acknowledged the importance of great difference between DL and EL, we engage, unknowingly, in DL, every day. Since DL creates nothing but conflicts and problems, we believe in the escapist-fantasy of our thinking, while we keep preventing ourselves from having EL. With DL, our life is a meaningless drag, as it is based on pure fantasy. Our DL-fantasy is always about happiness in the future, which never comes. EL is not about fantasy, as it reveals who we really are. You are a real person, but your DL doesn’t reflect that. Ongoing EL makes us a fully verbal, conscious human being, who realizes his or her Language Enlightenment (LE). Unlike any other enlightenment, LE is not some mystical fantasy. 

Go to You Tube maximuspeperkamp-hw8sw, to hear me read this writing with some comments. My other You Tube Maximus Peperkamp, will take a while (begin April) before I can post again, because I have exceeded my 50BG plan for this month...    

 

Enjoyment,

 

If there is no one to have Embodied Language (EL) with, I will have it by myself, as it is my real enjoyment. Of course, I tell myself what others don’t want to talk about, for my own protection and enjoyment. Yes, for me, enjoyment equals protection from the problematic Disembodied Language (DL), which is going on everywhere.

 

Once you finally have EL, instead of DL, you can’t help, but admit: your DL was both stupid and humorless. These two always go together. On the other hand, you will laugh so much, if you are able to use your language intelligently. If you can’t laugh, this is a signal, that you are engaging in meaningless, dull, dreadful DL.

 

With EL, you will add enjoyment to your day, as there is always something to laugh about, even if the circumstances suck. EL makes you look or listen for something to laugh about. People pray to some imaginary higher power and believe, it gives them strength, equanimity or inspiration, but it never makes them laugh. This shows, they haven’t dealt with their DL. Our DL must be stopped before you can laugh. Your inability, unwillingness and arrogance, to acknowledge, you are constantly engaged in DL, is where you have to start, because it is laughable, your use of language prevents you from having any fun.

 

Entertainment is highly overrated, as our DL has made us completely forget about enjoyment. It is not true, entertainment is enjoyable, because entertainment makes you forget yourself, while enjoyment makes you remember yourself. Of course, remembering yourself isn’t funny, when you are full of shit and that is why you want to be entertained and distracted from yourself. So, to laugh, you’ve got to start where you are and noticing, that, in DL, there is nothing for you to laugh about, is the only way to find something that is funny. Once you stop your DL, no matter how briefly, you create an opportunity to laugh.

 

Of course, you can change your DL, your usual, mechanical, effortful, unnatural way of talking, which prevents you from laughing. For instance, you can not say, what you usually say or you can say something, you have never said before, and find out, how that makes you feel. If your laughter doesn’t come, you need to let yourself know, that you are repeating yourself. If you like to laugh, you want to stop repeating yourself.  

 

In entertainment, you passively watch some show, but you are not really part of it, although you act, as if you are. Enjoyment is something you have no familiarity with anymore, because you are almost permanently involved in DL. If you try to stop yourself from repeating yourself, a funny thing happens: you just can’t do it and you keep repeating yourself. Somehow, you still do what you have always done, and, yes, you can now, perhaps, have a little laugh about that.

 

Keep it going. A small, modest, gentle laugh is a very good start. During EL, your involvement is always guaranteed, and your laughter is certain. As long as you try, to be some special, verbal, smart-ass, you are not listening to yourself, so when you begin to listen to yourself – and have EL – you notice, the burden of control is gone, and you feel a little light-headed. You are not laughing, if you are trying to have fun or trying to make yourself laugh, so you give that up and allow yourself to be not funny. Yes, with DL, you are boring, predictable and miserable. Above all, you are an idiot, who is definitely not smart.

 

You are not very clever about laughter, because your DL is against it. When you begin to have ongoing in EL, you act more intelligently, which not only increases your laughter, but it also effects the ability of others, to appreciate your enjoyment and laugh with you. The problem is, you have been conditioned by stupid humor, which – how could it be otherwise? – is based on your DL. The smart humor I am talking about puts the horse before the wagon. Yes, you are required to verbally behave properly and have EL and only then, there can be the laughter and true enjoyment of someone, who is conscious.

 

Life-changing, profoundly meaningful, personal and subtle EL-humor, based on your wellbeing, relaxation and enjoyment, has a totally different quality than phony, moronic, screamy, stressful, blunt entertainment DL-humor, which is based on some joke. Naturally, EL-humor emerges, as it can emerge, because you listen to yourself or in this case, you listen to someone, who listens to himself. If you listen to someone, who listens to himself, you are likely inspired, to speak and listen to yourself as well, because it is so funny, delightful, intriguing and energizing. Get used to being immersed in your EL-laughter, which doesn’t hurt, but which gives you real comfort.

 

If none of the aforementioned happens, this means, you still somehow continue to believe, you are being spoken with – with DL – while in fact, I’m talking with you, with EL. Sadly, you are bound to interpret everything according to your history of DL, and this is why, according to you, nothing is funny. To you, only certain things are funny, and others are not, but EL-humor – which isn’t entertainment, but enjoyment – isn’t about your preferences. There is much more fun possible, than you have ever imagined.  

 

I wouldn’t say, that your EL makes you laugh against your will, but it certainly happens in spite of your awful conditioning. With EL, you will not be as uptight and critical anymore and this is how you create room for laughter. If you hear me correctly, you will know, this is what I’m doing. I don’t care to say anything that will continue your DL, as that wouldn’t be funny at all. I’m stimulating you, to stop yourself, from what is preventing your enjoyment. To me, that is humor: when you feel, that you can laugh. It doesn’t even matter whether you laugh or not. If you feel you cannot laugh, this doesn’t mean, something wasn’t funny, but you didn’t prevent the DL, which always destroys your enjoyment.

 

The ultimate form of aesthetic enjoyment is our ongoing EL, which will make us laugh about the way in which we talk. Moreover, our laughter comes about, as we perceive things differently and anew. Indeed, our EL reveals our Language Enlightenment (LE). The word aesthetic comes from ancient Greek aisthetikos, which means, perceptive, sensitive, pertaining to sensory perception. Especially our hearing plays a huge role in our aesthetic enjoyment. Furthermore, the word, aisthanomai means, I perceive, sense or learn. With our ongoing EL, we are going to be able to learn, by laughing, as we crowd as much enjoyment in every moment as possible.       

 

After,

 

After I made a You Tube video, about mourning the loss of my mother, something had settled in me. My Embodied Language (EL) has expressed my sadness, which seems to have lifted. My EL always brings me great relief and comfort. I feel grateful to my mother, who will be cremated today. It is unusual, what I experience, as if I have her now, all to myself, for the first time. These feelings are mine. I cherish and protect them, in the same way, as I protect my own EL.

 

I didn’t know what I was after, when I was a kid and tried all sorts of things. I discovered about the immensely important difference between my own Disembodied Language (DL) and my EL, in my early twenties, but it wasn’t until I was 65, I began to feel somewhat resolved, about what I had apparently been after, for all these years. I have said it and I have written it, but I like to write it again today: my ongoing EL is the expression of my Language Enlightenment (LE).

 

Actually, my enlightenment had happened during a fiery verbal exchange with Alexander Smit, a Dutch Advaita Vedanta Guru, who told me to get lost, because, according to him, I got from him, what I came for. I couldn’t believe it, but experienced, it was true. I recall saying to him, that he acted like my authoritarian father, at which he and others laughed. I didn’t want to leave, but he threatened to throw me out. I was not going to have a physical altercation with him and left feeling humiliated.   

 

At first, I was puzzled – I believed, I needed more explanation – but I felt ablaze, and I told everyone, I had become enlightened. Everyone knew, a huge change had happened, yet, oddly, I was still having many unresolved issues. How could it be, that I was enlightened, but still feeling stressed out, frustrated and rejected? I began telling myself how this is possible. After I started talking with others about this, it slowly dawned on me, the experience had happened, but my language had yet to become matched.

 

Many, many times, I have felt, I had to say, what I wanted to say and I got myself in trouble. After I had said it – or screamed it – I felt a sense of relief and justice, but mostly sadness. In spite of being blamed, excluded and ridiculed, I always knew I was right. After I discovered that I could speak with the sound of my own wellbeing, by listening to my own voice, while I was talking, I realized, there is this whole new way of dealing with my language, which I now call EL. It is very simple: during DL, I don’t listen to myself, but in EL, I am always listening to myself. These two, mutually exclusive ways of talking set the stage for two entirely different ways of dealing with my language, two ways of viewing myself and the world around me. Indeed, my DL and my EL are two different ways of perceiving my reality.

 

By talking out loud with myself and by listening to the sound of my voice, I feel so good about myself, because my language matches with my experience. Moreover, after I am done, it is so self-evident, all my problems have completely disappeared. My ongoing EL reveals my LE and has led to an overhaul of my behavioral repertoire. By continuing my EL, I have not only left my DL behind, but also all behavior associated with it.

 

Like my mother, I have always cried very easily. However, my expression of sadness was always disturbed and distorted by others, who had a problem with it, while I never had any problem with it. After I had cried, I felt much better than before, but this is not – in DL – how people deal with sadness. Suppression of my sadness was never possible. As a child, I cried, as it was the only thing, which made me feel better. Afterall, I can say, my ability to cry has paved the way for my ongoing EL. As a man, it is still unusual to cry, but when we will have EL, we cry about sadness, but also about beauty and goodness.  

 

When I listen to all the talk about transgenderism, hunger in Sudan, war in Ukraine, antisemitism, religious fanatism, terrorism and the constant conflict between left- and right-wing politics, I only hear destructive, escalating DL and I know, everything would be so very different, if people would know how to have EL. Of course, the same is true for any kind of mental health issue, trauma or loss. Raising children and education would be enhanced by ongoing EL, as we would create a positive new reality, with our language.      

 

Rouw,

 

Ik ervaar een gevoel van emotionele pijn, omdat mijn moeder is overleden. Het besef van verlies komt en gaat in golven. Mijn vervreemde familie woont in Nederland, maar ik ben ver weg van hen. Ik sta stil bij het feit, dat ik afstand heb gehouden, eigenlijk sinds ik in 1999 naar de Verenigde Staten emigreerde. Hoewel ik heel verdrietig ben, voel ik me toch goed, omdat ik ben doorgegaan met mijn Belichaamde Taal (BT), waar nou eenmaal geen van hen in geïnteresseerd is. Mijn BT is prachtig en het is de manier waarop ik mijn leven leid.

 

Ik eer mijn moeder door te rouwen om haar dood, maar doe wat ik altijd heb gedaan: ik geef aandacht aan alles wat mijn aandacht vraagt. Door hardop met mezelf te praten, door naar mezelf te luisteren, en door erover naar mezelf te schrijven, word ik me bewust van subtiele veranderingen in mijn lichaam, dat voortkwam uit het lichaam van mijn moeder. Ik overweeg ook mijn eigen dood en de liefde voor het leven, schoonheid en goedheid, die ik van haar heb geërfd.

 

Als ik niet meer leef, kunnen sommige dingen, die ik heb gezegd of geschreven, misschien nog steeds worden gelezen of gehoord, door iemand die mij heeft gekend of iemand die mij nooit heeft gekend. Wat ik achterlaat, zijn geen nakomelingen, maar BT, die waarschijnlijk niet veel mensen zal beïnvloeden, of helemaal niemand.

 

Het verbaast mij, dat ik er nu ineens aan wordt herinnerd, dat ik ooit een belachelijk verhaal heb gelezen of gehoord, dat de Boeddha met z’n toegewijde discipelen, die zogenaamd de allerhoogste volmaakte verlichting hadden bereikt, helemaal nergens verdriet over voelden, maar ik besef dat dit natuurlijk totale onzin is. Als je iemand  liefhebt, dan zal er verdriet zijn. Hun zogenaamde verlichting was schijnbaar zonder liefde, omdat hun Ontlichaamde Taal (OT) nooit is verwoord en dus eigenlijk is verzwegen en genegeerd. In naam van meditatie of gebed hebben millionen mensen de werkelijke communicatie de rug toegekeerd.

  

Mijn BT werkt voor mij. Ik ben verdrietig, dat ik het niet met mijn moeder kon hebben. Gelukkig weten mijn vrouw Bonnie en mijn vriendin AnnaMieke, dat ik mijn eigen weg moest gaan. Wie van ons zal de ander overleven? We weten het niet, maar uiteindelijk sterven we allemaal. Bij de dood, doet niets er meer toe. Als mensen zeggen: ze is nu op een betere plek, omdat ze niet meer lijdt, dan doen ze nog steeds, alsof er iets doorgaat. Er is beslist geen betere plek in de dood. Alleen zolang we leven, kunnen we ons in een situatie bevinden die tragisch en problematisch is, of plezierig en verrijkend.

 

In OT zeggen we, dat er niets meer te zeggen of te schrijven is, omdat de taal verdwenen is, voor de persoon die hem gebruikte. Alle ervaringen zijn ook verdwenen, voor de persoon van wie werd gezegd, dat hij of zij deze ervaringen had. In BT was er echter nooit een zogenaamd innerlijk zelf, die deze ervaringen had. In BT gaan we voorbij woorden en verder dan onze taal, en dus sterven we terwijl we leven. In OT zeggen we: moge ze in vrede rusten, maar ze is er niet meer, ze is dood, en alles wat ooit was, is niet meer. De dood is – met onze gebruikelijke dood-ontkennende OT – schijnbaar altijd voor iemand anders, maar, de dood is, paradoxaal genoeg, niet voor de persoon die gestorven is. 

 

Ik kan mijn eigen dood niet ervaren, maar tijdens mijn leven, weerspiegelt mijn BT een vernieuwend sterven, in vrede en rust. Mijn moeder zei: Ik heb het gevoel, dat ik niet veel tijd meer heb, want ze voelde, dat haar leven ten einde liep. De dood van anderen kon haar er niet toe bewegen, om haar eigen worsteling met het leven te overwinnen. Integendeel, ze vreesde dat er een einde zou komen aan het leven, omdat ze niet niet gelukking was over zichzelf. Ze was altijd bezig met zorg voor anderen, maar had geen tijd of energie om voor zichzelf te zorgen. We kunnen dit dan wel halsstarrig – met onze domme, gebruikelijke OT – onzelfzuchtige liefde noemen, maar haar leven was helaas vol opoffering, lijden, spijt, frustratie en bitterheid.

 

In OT zegt men: het enige wat het verdriet kan verminderen is tijd. Met mijn BT zeg ik echter: waarom zou mijn verdriet verminderd moeten worden? Het is er gewoon. Ik laat het er helemaal zijn. Verdriet is een deur, waardoor ik een gevoel van eeuwigheid binnentreed. Eeuwige liefde en eeuwig verdriet zijn twee kanten van dezelfde medaille: leven.

 

Als kind veroorzaakte mijn gedrag veel verdriet bij mijn klagerige moeder. Ik was ook vaak kwaad op haar, omdat ze haar negativiteit bij mij neerlegde. Hoewel ik het zwarte schaap van de familie was, was ik ook het meest gevoelig en getraumatiseerd door alle conflicten in ons gezin. Ik vertelde haar herhaaldelijk, dat ze beter verdiende, maar ik voelde me hulpeloos en schuldig, omdat ik het haar niet kon geven. Ik heb altijd het gevoel gehad dat ik een grote last voor mijn moeder was. Ik voel me opgelucht, nu ze is overleden. Ik besefte dit niet toen ze nog leefde. Ik heb geen spijt, dat ik het beter had moeten doen. Ik ben blij, om niet meer haar gewicht op mijn schouders te hebben, omdat ik me verantwoordelijk voelde, hoewel ik dat natuurlijk niet was. Mijn manier om verantwoordelijk te zijn, was en is, om voort te blijven gaan met mijn BT.

 

Mijn dominante vader liet me, vaak met geweld, bestraffend en vernederend, keer op keer weten, dat ik me moest gedragen zoals hij eistte, omdat het... voor mijn moeder was. Hoe harder ik het echter probeerde, hoe meer ik faalde. Mijn snel geïrriteerde vader deed alsof hij God in huis was en mijn moeder leefde in zijn schaduw. Zeker, ze mopperde en zeurde veel en dat haatte ik aan haar, omdat ik me er zo slecht door voelde. Ik voelde me altijd schuldig, omdat ik niets kon doen om dat te verlichten. Mijn broers en zussen spanden tegen mij samen, omdat het leek alsof ik zoveel problemen had veroorzaakt. Er werd van alles op mij gedumpt en ik ging mezelf daar steeds meer naar gedragen.

 

Gelukkig was de Duitse moeder van mijn moeder mij heel dierbaar. Niet bij toeval, had mijn moeder een hekel aan haar eigen moeder. Mijn grootmoeder was, net als mijn vader, dominant, maar ze was zelfverzekerd en capabel. Bovendien was haar manier om gelijk te krijgen, omdat ze assertief en trots was. Mijn grootmoeder hield van mij. Mijn moeder had ook haar gevoeligheid, maar ze kon er niet in haar voordeel mee omgaan, zoals mijn grootmoeder dat deed. Mijn grootmoeder was een vechter en mijn moeder was meer een slachtoffer.

 

Waarschijnlijk ben ik zo'n gevoelige man, vanwege mijn moeder en grootmoeder. In de ogen van mijn vader ben ik nooit de man geworden, die hij wilde dat ik was. Hij was woedend, toen ik hem vertelde dat Bonnie en ik geen kinderen wilden hebben. Ik heb altijd het gevoel gehad, dat mijn moeder mij beter kende dan mijn vader, hoewel ze nooit BT met mij heeft gehad. Ze stond altijd trouw naast haar man, maar verstopte zich ook achter mijn vader, die haar emotionele kwetsbaarheden uitbuitte. Ik rouw om het verlies van mijn moeder, maar ook om het pijnlijke feit, dat mijn familie nooit BT met mij heeft willen hebben. Vreemd genoeg voel ik mij dichter bij mijn moeder dan ooit tevoren, omdat nu een last die ik onbewust droeg, van mij is afgevallen.

PS. Luister eens naar de Luisterend Spreken videos op You Tube van mijn dierbare vriendin AnnaMieke. Ze spreekt  zo prachtig over haar eigen vergankelijkheid in het ontvouwen van dit moment en over het vriendschap sluiten met de dood met haar schitterende Belichaamde Taal (BT). 

 

Grief,

 

I experience a sense of emotional pain, because my mother has died. The feeling of loss comes and goes in waves. My estranged family lives in the Netherlands, but I live, far away from them. I want to reflect on the fact, why I have kept my distance, basically ever since I immigrated to the United States, in 1999. Although I am sad, I feel okay. I have continued with my Embodied Language (EL), which none of them are interested in. My EL is beautiful, and it is the way I live my life.

 

I honor my mother, by mourning her death, but I do, what I have always done: I give attention, to whatever asks my attention. By talking out loud with myself, by writing about it, to myself, I am aware of the subtle changes in my body, which was born from the body of my mother. I also reflect on my own death and the love of life, beauty and goodness, I inherited from her.

 

When I am no longer alive, perhaps some of the things I have said or written, may still be read or heard by someone, who knew me or someone who never knew me. What I leave behind, isn’t offspring, but language, which, probably, isn’t going to affect many people, if anyone at all.

 

I am surprised, to be suddenly reminded, that I read or heard some story, that, the Buddha and those devoted disciples, who, presumably, had attained supreme perfect enlightenment, felt no grief at all about anything, but I realize, this is total nonsense. If you love, there will be grief. Their so-called enlightenment was without love, because their Disembodied Language (DL) was never properly addressed, but simply rejected. In the name of meditation and prayer, people have turned their backs on real communication.  

 

My EL works for me. I am sad, I wasn’t able to have it with my mother. Luckily, my wife Bonnie, and my friend AnnaMieke, know I had to go my own way. Who of us will survive the other? We don’t know, but in the end, we all die. In death nothing matters anymore. When people would say: she is in a better place now, because she is no longer suffering, they still make it seem, as if something continues. Surely, there is no better place in death. Only while we are alive, can we be in a situation, which is either tragic and problematic or enjoyable and enhancing.

 

In DL, we say, there’s nothing to say or to write anymore, as the language is gone for the person, who used it. All the experiences are gone too, for the person, who was said to have these experiences. However, in EL, there never was any agent, who had these experiences. In EL, we go beyond our language, and, thus, we die, while we are alive. In DL, by contrast, we say: may she rest in peace, but she is no longer here, she is dead, and everything, which once was, is no more. Death is – with our common death-denying DL – always for the other, but, paradoxically, not for the person, who has died.

 

I cannot experience my own death, other than while I am alive, but only my ongoing EL can reflect that. My mother said: I have the feeling, I don’t have much more time, as she felt her life was coming to an end. Also, the death of others didn’t make her overcome her struggle with life. Quite to the contrary, she dreaded, that all of life had to come to an end, because she wasn’t resolved about herself. She was always busy caring about others but had no time or energy to care about herself. We can call this – with our usual DL – selfless love, but her life was full of sacrifice, suffering, regret, frustration, bitterness and resentment.

 

With DL, people say: the only thing which will lessen grief is time. With EL, I say: why should my grief be lessened? It simply is there. I let it be there. Grief is a door, through which I enter into a sense of eternity. Eternal love and eternal grief are two sides of the same coin, called life.

 

As child, I often acted out and caused grief for my mother. I many times upset with her, as she unloaded her negativity on me. Although I was the black sheep of the family, I was also the most sensitive, and the most traumatized by all the dysfunctionality, going on in our family. I repeatedly told her, she deserved better, but I felt helpless and guilty, because I couldn’t give it to her. I have always felt like a big burden on my mother. Now that she has passed away, I feel relieved. I didn’t realize this while she was alive. I don’t feel any remorse or that I should have done better. I am happy, not to have her weight on my shoulders, as I felt responsible, although, of course, I wasn’t. My way of being responsible, was to find my EL.

 

My domineering father, forcefully, punitively, and humiliatingly, again and again, let me know, that I should behave like he told me, because it was… for my mother. The harder I tried, the more I failed. My easily agitated father acted as if he was God in the house and my mother lived in his shadow. Surely, she complained a lot and I hated that about her, as it made me feel so bad. I used to feel guilty, as there was nothing, I could do to alleviate that, and my siblings were conspiring against me, since I seemed to have caused so many problems.

 

Thankfully, my mother’s German mother was very dear to me and, not surprisingly, my mother disliked her own mother very much. My grandmother was, like my father, domineering, but she was very confident and capable. Moreover, her way of being right, was because she was assertive and proud. My grandmother loved me and, yet, my mother also had her sensitivity, but she couldn’t deal with it to her own benefit, as my grandmother did. My grandmother was more of a fighter and my mother was more of a victim.

 

Probably, I am such a sensitive man, because of my mother and my grandmother. In the eyes of my father, I never became the man he wanted me to be. He was enraged when I told him, that Bonnie and I didn’t want to have any children. I have always felt, my mother knew me more than my father, although she never had EL with me. She stood by and hid behind my dad, who exploited her emotional vulnerabilities. I grief the loss of my mother, but also that my family never wanted to have EL with me. Strangely, I feel closer to my mother than ever before, as a burden, I unknowingly carried has been lifted.   

      

 

Rouwkaart,

 

Ik ontving, via email, een overlijdens-bericht van mijn moeder en draag mijn leed alleen.

 

Eigenlijk kan het me geen moer schelen, hoe de anderen van mijn familie zich voelen.

 

Ik weet dat Ma mij mistte, maar kennelijk was dat niet genoeg, om Belichaamde Taal (BT) met mij te hebben. 

 

Mijn BT gaat nu nog rustiger, vrediger, zekerder en stiller verder dan voorheen.

 

Niemand van mijn familie heeft ooit mijn BT erkend en dus heb hen allen achter mij gelaten.

 

Het overlijden van mijn moeder is een laatste mijlpaal, in het afscheid van mijn familie, dat zovele jaren in beslag heeft genomen.

 

Ik weet dat mijn vader nog leeft en ook mijn twee oudere zussen, jongere zus en twee jongere broers, maar mijn familie wil net zo min iets te maken hebben met mij, als ik met hen.

 

Op de kaart stond een uitspraak van mijn moeder: ik heb het gevoel, dat ik niet lang meer heb. Hieruit blijkt, dat zij uiteindelijk zichzelf de aandacht gaf en haar lot accepteerde.

 

Mijn zorgzame moeder had haar handen vol met haar man en haar zes kinderen, maar is daardoor te weinig toegekomen aan zichzelf.

 

De achtergrond van de kaart was een schilderij van een bos, waarschijnlijk een aquarel, die ze had gemaakt toen ze nog kon zien. Ze keek altijd uit naar de lente, waarin zij was geboren, en alles weer tot bloei kwam.

 

In mijn tuin is ook een Gele Brem, die mij aan aan ons huis van vroeger doet herinneren.

 

 

 

 

  

 

Mourning card,

 

I received a death notice from my mother via email and I bear my sorrow alone.

 

Actually, I don't give a damn how the others in my family feel.

 

I know Ma missed me, but apparently that wasn't enough to have Embodied Language (BT) with me.

 

My BT now runs even calmer, more peaceful, more confident and quieter than before.

 

None of my family members ever acknowledged my BT, so I had to leave them all behind.

 

My mother's death is a final milestone in the farewell to my family, that has taken so many years.

 

I know, my father is still alive, as well as my two older sisters, younger sister and two younger brothers, but my family wants no more to do with me, than I do with them.

 

On the card was a statement from my mother: I have the feeling that I don't have much time left. This shows that she ultimately gave herself the attention and accepted her fate.

 

My caring mother had her hands full with her husband and her six children, but as a result she did not have enough time for herself.

 

The background of the card was a painting of a forest, probably a watercolor, that she had made when she could still see. She always looked forward to the spring, when she was born, and everything blossomed again.

 

There is also a Yellow Broom in my garden, which reminds me of our old house.