November 28, 2015

November 28, 2015

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Engineer

Dear Students,

The death of my father in law a couple of years ago was a major event in my life. Last time we were visiting my mother in law, I was still mourning his departure, but this time I was no longer sad about his death. My mother in law also seemed to have moved on as there were new pictures of him at her house, which weren’t there before. I still thought of him and so did my wife, but there was no longer that feeling of loss. One moment, I closed my eyes and I thought what a blessing it has been for me to know my father in law. My connection with my own father was never that good, but my relationship with him has always been very reinforcing.

As I am writing these words I realize I have been in a different environment. My mother in law lives in China Town in Oakland. As I am thinking about the difference between my father in law and my own father, I understand that coming to the United States has been a great gift to me. I occasionally still read a Dutch newspaper online, but I no longer feel like I am Dutch. This is progress for me and my nostalgic feelings about Holland seem to have finally left me. I have decided some years ago to stop all contact with my family. No matter who I talked with, I kept being negatively affected. I no longer feel the sadness of not being in contact with my family. I have come to terms with it.

Strange that the separation between me and my family has become final. I could have never believed that this would happen and that I would feel okay about deciding this. On numerous occasions I have revisited this decision. Each time I back-tracked, I started feeling miserable again. Not too long ago, I wrote a letter in which I explained to myself my decision, but when I read it to my wife it was clear I didn’t want to send it. I am not imagining about going back to Holland anymore. My life is shaped by my exploration of Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) and I had to leave those who were unable to have SVB with me. I don't think other people who learn about SVB will have to do the same as I did. It was a decision I had to make. My family demonized me for insisting on SVB and I kept feeling upset about that. A compromise was no longer possible. I no longer feel stuck in NVB as I stopped all contact with my family. I am happy to have so much SVB without them. Also, I am happy I left behind the people who didn’t have the behavioral history to come along with me. I still care about them and I don’t blame them, but I am no longer wasting my time with them. It took me a long time before I was ready to decide as I did, but I am glad I was able to make this decision.