April 8, 2014

April 8, 2014

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) is a way of talking which can only be experienced if we take time for our conversation.  We keep experiencing Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB) because we try to keep our dialogues as short as possible. We don’t generally talk in order to explore what our conversation is going to be about. Since we already know beforehand what we are going to say, we say the same things over and over again, which is NVB. To have SVB, it is important to slow down, but once we have got it, there is no reason at all to go slow and nothing stops us from going very fast. However, we don’t want to be slowed down because this makes us aware of what we are doing. When we slow down we notice we repeat what we have already said.

The pace of our conversation is of great importance. In NVB we cannot relax, but in SVB we can be calm and focused. In SVB we are at ease, but in NVB we can never feel at ease. Experiences of safety, security, relaxation, friendliness, playfulness, exploration and creativity, are central to survival. How can there be any enjoyable conversation or a happy relationship without those experiences? It is as simple as this: as long as we are afraid, anxious, agitated and stressed, we are unable to have positive conversation and harmonious relationships. These are respondent processes based on involuntary reflexes of our nervous system. Our spoken communication is a voluntary, that is, an operant behavior, made possible by the absence of any aversive, threatening stimulation. In SVB we have time to talk and we don’t rush like we do in NVB. In SVB we experience positive relationship because the ingredients needed to make it happen are present. Indeed, NVB brings in ingredients that undermine our relationship and destroy and prevent interaction.

The letter type used to write this text is called “consolas.” This author chose this letter type because he wants to write about consolation. SVB is consoling because it allows us to accept the situation we find ourselves in. In NVB there is no acceptance. In NVB we are always struggling to get out of a situation, but in SVB we like the situation that we are in because it reinforces us. Since we speaker and listener are both benefitted by the situation in SVB, they want the situation to continue. Thus, in SVB our conversation can be about the continuation of the situation, but in NVB we are  coercing a change in the situation with our conversation.

Although in SVB we understand and accept the situation as it is, this doesn’t mean that the situation isn’t changing. In SVB the situation changes in ways that it can’t in NVB. In NVB the change is forced, but in SVB, the change happens by itself. In SVB the conversation can become complex because its premise is  simple, but in NVB the conversation cannot become more complex because the simplicity to make it happen is missing. 

When we console each other, we tell each other that we are going to be all right. Consolation is based on trust in our abilities. Those who need to be consoled are taught by those who console them. They learn the skill by the way in which those who console them talk. Because they are comforted they learn to comfort themselves. Those who console, talk with, not at others. SVB is the language of consolation. We need to be consoled, because we have suffered a lot, but few people know how to console. NVB, our common way of communicating, is unforgiving. We have lost our ability to console, because we have been stuck in the same situation for so long that we no longer believe that we can get out of it. SVB consoles us because it takes us out of the situation that have been in. In SVB we finally accept the reality of the human condition, but in NVB, we keep pretending that we are not vulnerable.