December 2, 2013

December 2, 2013

Written by Maximus Peperkamp, M.S. Verbal Behaviorist

Dear Reader, 

 

Only when we bring our attention to creating and maintaining the interaction which is successful, are we more likely to have more successful interactions in the future. Our eliminative approach to unsuccessful interaction continues to be a complete nightmare. Because we have not solved our problems of human relationship, the world is in the big mess that it is. Our neglect for the environment has brought our ecosystems to the point of collapse. In the same way that we dismiss our environment, we deny that we depend on others. We abuse each other as means to our own ends.  

 

Exploitation of each other is accepted as politics, economics, religion and teaching. It is based on unsuccessful communication, but it is not identified as such. Coercion and domination derives from our inability to communicate. At what point will we begin to reverse this abuse? We can only do that by paying attention to when we do not force others into our way of communicating. Our way of communicating is what this author calls Noxious Verbal Behavior (NVB). There is of course no such thing as our way of communicating. By calling it NVB, we give a proper label to what has been going on in the name of communication, which wasn’t and couldn’t be communication.  

  

Those moments in our communication that we were successful, we had Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB). We have all known moments of SVB when we were with friends, when we were at ease, when we let the conversation take on its own course, when there was no argument, when we were respected by each other, when we were feeling safe, calm, peaceful, rested, relaxed and sensitive. SVB is nothing new. It is only seemingly new when someone puts his finger on it. It is new because it was hardly ever reinforced. By putting our finger on it, we discriminate it and we begin to realize how wonderful, beneficial and effortless it really is.

It is relevant to pay attention to those rate moments in which SVB was already there, completely successful, not needing any improvement. We have had SVB already, but we did not have enough of it to realize how much we need to continue to have it. We have only had enough SVB to make us hold on to the devastating belief that only our way of communicating is right and that someone else’s way of communicating, by  default is wrong. However, all NVB is deeply problematic.

Our behavioral repertoire which is based on SVB is very small, but it is there. We are so unfamiliar with it that when it is pointed out we feel extremely happy. To most of us it comes as a surprise as well as a sense of relief that SVB is there. It is the only thing we can really work with and yet we have ignored it so much that we do not even know anymore that we still have it. Even if we let it continue for only a little while, we begin to notice the great blessing this is. We regain our humanity, come out of our delusions and we wake up from our psychological sleep. Only a little bit of SVB is already enough to prove to us in what kind of total nonsense we have been living.  

The sobering effect of SVB makes us instantly realize how few situations allow us to achieve it. Once we have it, we know that we have it and we also know that most of the time we didn’t have it. Once we have it, the time for exaggeration is over. We may be somewhat embarrassed, but are also amused and intrigued by our denial. Our renewed interest in the ugly, hilarious, but also horrific and deeply painful reality of how we communicate, is driven by a conviction that something entirely different is possible. Even the smallest amount of SVB can set us ablaze. SVB reminds us that we were once inspired, alive, motivated and full of energy. 

To enhance our SVB repertoire, we must know its source. The source of SVB is in the expression of our thoughts and feeling, but not with the intent of saying something about them, but with the intent of listening to them. It does not matter how well our thoughts and feelings are described, what matters is whether we are listening to them. We know exactly when we are listening to them. When that happens, our thoughts, feelings and experiences become more clear and coherent. When incoherent thoughts and feelings are expressed this signifies we are not listening to ourselves. In NVB we want others to listen to us, because we are troubled by our own thoughts and feelings. The moment we listen to ourselves, NVB turns into SVB. In SVB we always listen to ourselves. Lack of self-listening causes NVB, while restoration of self-listening causes SVB. Going back and forth between self-listening and the absence of self-listening, between SVB and NVB, we find out that overemphasis on what we say produces NVB. When we dominate and force each other, we produce NVB. When we coerce others to listen to us, we don’t listen to ourselves, because we are other-oriented.