November 8, 2013

November 8, 2013

Dear Reader, 

When I write with a pen or a pencil I become one with my writing, because I am more proficient in writing that way than by using a computer. While I am using my computer, I am interacting with this machine, this technology which does not give me the feedback I get when I write with a pen or a pencil. I could say that paper, pen or pencil, are better listeners to me than my computer. However, this experience of becoming one, of being at peace with people, that is why I am writing these words.

Whether I will write something, which has not yet been said, which has not yet been written, which has not yet been said because it has not yet been written, which can only be said if it is first written – will  be determined by the reinforcing consequences that such a writing and saying will produce. The thought that there is such a possibility never occurred to me.  I realize I have been reluctant to explore how my writing can and will change the way in which I speak. I didn’t think it was possible. 

My need for feedback was a crutch I have been relying on. It was my lack of trust in words, which made me demand feedback. Yes, I demanded feedback, and, the feedback I got was not particularly reinforcing. It was anything but reinforcing and yet I continued to demand it. The fact that words have meaning was why my trust in them was lacking. What I demanded was that my words mean what they mean, but now that they seem to mean what they mean, my demand is unnecessary. 

It is early in the morning and I am crying because I feel emotional about this. I have come such a long way. My struggle with written language came full circle. I am a psychology instructor and my written words recently had a reinforcing effect when I presented them in an assignment to my students. They were just a bunch of yes or no questions and three rules, which I imagined would work. It was phenomenal how my written language set the stage for an open dialogue to occur.  

That words can mean what they mean, without my demand, is something that is new to me. I feel again a wave of sadness coming over me as I realize that they must have meant what they meant all along. It is such a comfort to realize that meaning is shared and was never dependent on my or anyone else’s demand. I feel such a peace as I type these words. I wait for the words and can say what I am saying here. Actually, I plan, I am going to say this, but for now I am satisfied just writing this.    

There is a great difference between saying things in writing and saying them in public speech. In writing there is less of a disturbance from others, and, consequently, less of a need to be preoccupied with others, while in public speech, the influence of others directly affects what I can and want to say as well as the consequences of it. Another difference is that my private speech is better represented in my writings and more likely in the future, will be expressed as and reinforced by public speech.

These are joyous and abundant days for me and my wife Bonnie. We have just bought a house and we will be moving in in a couple of weeks. It is going to be so nice to have our own place again. The house was affordable and it has lots of wonderful features. We are discussing what colors of paint and what carpet we are going to have. We both consider our new home a new phase in our lives. On November 11, we have been married for 28 years and on November 16, I will celebrate my 55^th birthday. We feel so fortunate to have come back to Chico. Things are better for us than ever before.  

We look toward Thanks Giving Weekend, which we will celebrate with my mother in law and my wife’s sister, who lives in the Bay Area. We have not been there for a while. Afterwards Bonnie’s mother is going to come over and stay with us for a while and help out with things in the new house. It is of course going to be quite a job to move all our stuff, but Bryan, a former colleague of Bonnie,  has already offered to come and help us. It is probably going to happen around Christmas. First thing to focus on for now is to get all the paperwork in for the loan and then the house goes in escrow. 

Luckily, my wife Bonnie is very good with money. She knows all the things that pertain to buying a house. She found this house. It went very quickly. We first saw a couple of pictures online. Then we drove over there to have a look. There was already one offer on the house, but our offer was accepted, because we were able to pay a larger sum in cash. The house was previously inhabited by an old lady, who kept it up very nicely. It has lots of recent upgrades and it is in good shape and it is located in a pleasant neighborhood. It is the best one can get for 195K and it was actually prized fairly cheap. 

I also like to think that our lives have changed because of my development as a Verbal Behaviorist. It was due my withdrawal from the Ph.D. program that I was able to immerse myself in behaviorism.  It could not have happened any other way. Because I freed myself from mentalistic psychology, I was able to discover behaviorism, by myself. Right now, I don't see myself as a therapist anymore. I don’t even believe in therapy. My focus is now on my two jobs: as a Mental Health Worker at a transitional home for mentally ill clients and as an Associate Psychology Faculty with Butte College. 

I give free monthly seminars at the Chico Branch Library of Butte County.  My next seminar will be on November 17. During these seminars I teach participants about Sound Verbal Behavior, which I consider to be an extension of B.F. Skinner’s operant conditioning and verbal behavior. Everyone is welcome to verify the validity of this way of communicating, which is possible when we consider each other as our environment. It is this perspective, which sets the stage for a much-needed sense of relaxation and well-being, which is mostly absent during our normal way of communicating.   

This key-boarded journal signifies a new chapter of my language development. Keyboarding makes me write slower and more thoughtfully than writing with pen or pencil. Because it is typed, it has a bigger potential to be read by others. It will have an impact on how I talk with others, because it makes me realize what a long time it has taken me to become comfortable with language in my life.  I have not, until I began to peck these words, given much thought to the notion that my problems were having to do with my relationship with language, but will keep exploring that issue in the future.