November 16, 2013

November 16, 2013

Dear Reader, 

 

Today I celebrate my 55^th birthday, but I am in bed with the flu. I have been sweating the whole night and yesterday my temperature was 100.6. I kept having a dream in which everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. It was a feverish dream. I knew that my views were right and again and again it was clear that it was true. I still have the flu, but I was up and ate some breakfast. Whether I type like this, or write with pen or a pencil in a notebook, does not seem to make much of a difference anymore. Right now only the flu matters. My body aches, I got a headache and I feel weak and shaky. There are many things I have to do and this writing is to remind myself that I can’t let it slide. I have to stay on top of it and get myself together to take action. 

I am estranged from my family in the Netherlands and I think of them because it is my birthday. I have myself created this situation in which I am no longer in contact with them. I did that because I kept falling back into the same negative patterns and the only way to prevent that was by cutting my ties completely. It is still very difficult for me. I am still sad about it, although I no longer feel very sad about it. I never thought that I would end up in this situation. I remember my father once telling me about his step-brother and his step-sister when I was a little child. He was no longer in contact with them either. At the time, it seemed like such an unthinkable and painful thing for me to break with one’s family. I succeeded in changing my dad’s mind and later we even went to visit them.  

I feel betrayed by my family. I contribute my Ph.D. failure and my inability to cope with the stress  to my unhappy relationship with my family, particularly with my father. I have failed because I acted out an old family dynamic. It was my assigned role in the family to fail. Everyone was redeemed and normal due to my failure. My birthday is almost gone and I feel less upset now about not having heard anything from anybody. It is so weird that against all odds I still keep hoping that something will happen to set the record straight. I was of course hoping in vain. My family is as tired of me as I am of them. Let’s leave each other alone from now on. It is okay. I have spend almost my whole birthday resting and sleeping in my bed. I just took a bath. When I came out, I felt extremely dizzy, but after drinking a few glasses of cold water, I realized that I must have been dehydrated. 

It is actually nice to spend a whole day by myself. I have not done that for a long time. I used to do this all the time, but nowadays, I work six days a week. Although I am feverish with the flu, I am  aware of the benediction of just being alone. May be I needed this flu to slow me down? It sure seems that way. My writing does not go very fast and these words come in bits and pieces. None of it is important, but I like to write this way. There is a freedom I have not felt for a while. Just letting my thoughts roam, not having a purpose and being at ease..it is a luxury. My wife is a sweet heart. She made tea and rubbed tiger oil on my chest. I will be better again tomorrow. I have faith in that.