November 21,
2013
Dear Reader,
The
inevitable happened: my parents send me a card for my 55th birthday.
My father did, most likely stimulated by my mother. It didn't even have the
street number on it, but because it got the apartment number and the post code
correct, it got here. This is so not
what I want. I guess this is really all they can come up with. After being
shunned, rejected and forgotten for years he sends me a damn card saying that he
is ‘a believer’ and that he trusts that ‘in the end all will come out well.’ I
guess it is a nice thought, but I am not buying it. I put the card in an
envelope and send it back. I don’t care for cards and if he still thinks he can
give me something I do not like he is wrong. Besides, I like my life
better without my family in it. It is
such an awkward conundrum I find myself in. On the one hand, I would love
nothing more than connect with them and restore whatever is left, but, on
the other hand, I know how the family dynamics have affected me. I have no
reason to believe that things will be any different. Each time I got back
in touch, I felt hurt, confused, upset, misunderstood, blamed and rejected. I
don’t want to go back to that and I feel safer by not getting involved
with them anyone.
This time I
am in total control by holding them off and by keeping them out of my life. In
the past I still needed too much approval to be able to do this. I would throw them
off, but next thing I did was try to contact them again. This went on for many years. Reading back my old journals is like reading my ongoing torment
about my family relations. I am so glad it is behind me, that it is over. I
have not been having these troubling thoughts about my family anymore and I never want to have them again. Let them live the rest of their days without
me. They have lost me, but I don't feel that I have not
lost them. I think of them with pity, not hate or resentment. It was such
a struggle, which only came to an end recently, pretty much ever since I began
teaching. It is not a superstition, but knowledge about stimuli
that were part of my life, that kept having such a devastating effect on me. The turmoil this created has greatly contributed to my withdrawal from the Ph.D. program. My emotional baggage proved to be too much to deal with under those stressful and unhappy
circumstances. It was a difficult and life-altering experience for me, but luckily, something very good came out
of it too.
Our return
to Chico has been a blessing and our familiarity with the place created
opportunities for both me and Bonnie. I love the teaching job I now have and
I recently tested for job with Butte County Mental Health. Bonnie also just did an
interview and will hear from it soon. I already have steady job as a Mental Health
Worker at the transitional group home, where we teach mentally ill clients to
become more responsible and autonomous. Of course, I would leave this job
anytime if something better came long. Also, we have just bought a wonderful small
house and we are in the process of finalizing our loan application. We will be
moving in end December and that will be the beginning of a new chapter of our
lives. Furthermore, I already know that I will be teaching two
classes in the next semester. I think there is going to be a lot of work for me.
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