November 18, 2013

November 18, 2013

Dear Reader, 

Although I have gone back to work today, I still feel weak and I am not completely recovered. It is weird that after so much writing I am aware I feel a sense of resistance against the negativity of some of my lazy colleagues. I am so glad none of the things I imagined happened. All I did, at work, was prevent a colleague from entering into the office. My boss had given permission to do this. I was allowed to be alone at the office to make some important calls. My rude colleague, however,  didn’t listen and didn’t respond to my held up hand, which signaled that I was engaged in an important phone conversation and didn’t want to be disturbed. He decided to come in anyway. As I saw that he was ignoring me, I got up from my seat, still gesturing with my free hand to leave me alone and by walking towards him and blocking the way with an out my stretched-out-hand, like a stop sign. Because he kept walking, my hand landed on his shoulder, while I repeatedly told him that I was on  the phone and needed to peace and quiet. Nothing had happened, but he had afterwards complained to my boss I had put my hands on him and he had even threatened to press charges for assault. 

Since it was construed by him as if I had forced him out of the office, I feared it could have serious consequences. I want to write it out clearly and instruct myself that I will never again touch anyone in such a situation anymore. The moment  you touch someone, they can make a case against you. For a couple of days, I was not sure whether he was going to press charges or whether my boss was going to talk him out of it. Since he had it out for me, it was a possibilityt he would do this. Luckily, my boss recognized what an exaggerator he was and the whole thing blew over. This was a wake-up call  to never let this happen again. How could I be so stupid? In retrospect, it was because I was not expecting him to do anything like this. It would have been normal for him to respond to my gestures and my requests not to come in. I felt surprised, overwhelmed and intimidated by the fact that he completely ignored me. It was him, who was violating and disrespecting me and barging in on me.

 

Although I don’t feel bad about standing my own ground, proving my self like this is not worth the trouble this could have caused and has already caused. I need to be cautious with creeps like that and must be careful with everyone under all circumstances. What I do always matters. I can never afford to let my guard down. I learn from this that I should pay closer attention to safety signals, especially the absence of such signals. That morning had already been a stressful shift, which was characterized by the absence of safety signals. Under such challenging circumstances, I should be extra cautious about the few options I have available to me. Avoidance behavior is always safer than approach under such circumstances. I am beginning to realize this should be applied across the board: in doubt avoidance is always safere. I have been too involved in approach behaviors, trying to fix things, but it didn't create safety for me. I am slowing down on my tendency for approach behaviors and I am finally developing behaviors that guarantees my wellbeing, continuity, job stability and a home.