November 15, 2013

November 15, 2013

Dear Reader, 

I came down with the flu and went to bed early yesterday night. My dream was about my father’s confusing invitation: we can talk about it! No matter how difficult it may be or how much we are not inclined to it, we can still talk about it. When that happens, everything comes together. I have been dreaming about this the whole night. I have a headache. My body feels heavy and sluggish. My thoughts are not clear. I worry because in my evaluation it was stated that unless I improve I will not be rehired next semester. I will improve. There are many things I can do to improve. I will learn and get better. I don’t feel well, that is why I am worrying. I need to give myself a break and take it easy.  

I notice things that other people don't notice. Someone was unreasonably harsh towards me, but then she spoke in praise of someone else who “who couldn’t get any better.” She suggested I that I should watch his behavior and learn from him. I will do that. We ran into each other at Starbucks.  We talked, but I felt disagreement. Since I am a behaviorist, I don’t believe in activism. I don’t believe in demonstrations and in getting hassled by police for what I believe. I refuse to be a martyr. However, he was the prototype of a martyr. I have historically been more of a rascal. My approach to behavior challenges authority. I had made the mistake of telling him about my seminar. He was not going to come, but he inquired about it. He was cold towards me and thinks that I am not spiritual enough.

My head is spinning and I am dizzy. I just took a bath, but still do not feel well. I think I might go for a little walk. There are a couple of things I want to do today. First, I want to make a study guide for the upcoming multiple choice and essay exam. Second, I am going to have a haircut. Third, I will go by our new house to take some pictures. Fourth, I want to have my blood drawn. Five, I am going for a short walk. Six, I am thinking about my family with whom I no longer have contact. Tomorrow it is November 16, which is my 55th birthday. This weekend, I give another seminar at the Chico Branch Library and I mustn’t forget to pick up the key. I’m still feeling weak and sick, but I’m getting better. 

I never knew my life would be like this. I was reading my hand-written journal from the time that I was preparing for my Ph.D. All of that anxiety and stress is luckily behind me now. I don’t feel the urge anymore to achieve it and I am no longer sad about it. I didn’t fit in with the academic world. Because of my self study of behaviorism, I have tried to contact many behaviorists, but none of them were interested in taking note of my approach. I wanted them to talk with me because I do not think that writing and reading about it works. They didn’t believe me. Even the daughter of B.F. Skinner, a very nice lady, doesn’t have the time to talk with me. Everyone is always just too busy. They are all running after something, but for Sound Verbal Behavior (SVB) they don’t have any time. 

This writing makes me think about my life. Everyone seems to be hyped up by approach behavior, but nobody recognizes the importance of active avoidance behavior. This writing is an attempt to actively avoid. Nothing happens while I write these words. I would like to say that I like people, but that would be dishonest. I don’t like most people. I only like those who are open, but most people are closed. Most people fake it much better than me, but at this moment, having the flu, I am tired of this charade. Why do we always hide? Most people who hide don’t know they are hiding. I know of many people who think of themselves as open and honest, but they don’t know what they are talking about.