November 13, 2013

November 13, 2013

Dear Reader, 

A longing was felt to write once more with a pencil. Yesterday evening I scored the quizzes of my students with pencil and this made an otherwise tedious job enjoyable. Also, at work, I wrote a shopping list with a pen and that was enjoyable too. We barbequed at the creek with the clients and after the sausages had been grilled, I threw the shopping list in the fire. This symbolic burning of my old writing made everybody laugh and we had a good time. My urge to write with a pencil and a pen had been satisfied. Because I have been writing my journal on my laptop for a couple of days, I got  used to it now. I have been going to bed much earlier these days, which allows me to wake up earlier to write for a couple of hours. I like to start my day by writing. 

My new way of writing is more thoughtful. I don’t write whatever comes to my mind anymore and I stick to my particular theme. Tonight it is my longing to do something I have done very often. This tendency can be stopped only if it comes into the picture. It takes patience and calmness to let that happen. If I do not consciously step back, I am inclined to step forward. Active avoidance behavior is contrasted with approach behavior. I wonder what stimuli make me approach? Are there are stimuli available to make me avoid? If I would like avoidance to occur more often, stimuli would have to be available to me to make that happen. I think that this is something I can improve my life with. 

On a couple of occasions, I was scanning my environment for stimuli that enhance my active as well as my passive avoidance. In active avoidance I do something to avoid a particular consequence I do not want. For instance, if I don’t want to be around a person, I must keep my distance. In passive avoidance, I refrain from certain verbal behaviors under certain circumstances, if I sense that these cause tension or discomfort. At work, I would not talk about certain topics with certain people, because I experience that as unpleasant. Passive avoidance, the not doing of things, is a behavior from which I can be benefitted.  It is important to know the difference between doing and not doing.  

Passive avoidance characterizes my ability to have self-control.  I notice as I write about this topic, that my attention is going to something which supposedly is inside of me, instead of outside of me. Stimuli that make me decide not to do something are traced to my private self-talk. This makes me close myself off from signals from my external environment. Perceived threats immediately result into withdrawal from signals from my external environment. Due to my reflexive behaviors, instead of looking for environmental signals to be avoided, my self-talk goes in overdrive and makes me turn away. Because instantly my internal environment is affected, I am prone to activate escape instead of avoidance behavior. Since escape behavior so often occurred in my behavioral history, it became more prominent in my behavioral repertoire than my ability to actively or passively avoid. I have never been good at letting things slide. Indeed, I often got and I still easily am upset under aversive circumstances. Avoiding such circumstances altogether was never my consideration. I have been constantly in the grip of what was my conditioned fear response. Until recently I was not paying attention to the signals that would allow me to avoid aversive consequences. Most likely, these safety signals had always been there, but I never noticed them or listened to them. My behavior can be regulated under such circumstance by looking for such signals. To enhance my passive avoidance, I must turn away from negative public speech and its, consequence, my own negative private speech.