November 9, 2013

November 9, 2013

Dear Reader, 

 

I was reading my handwritten journal from 2009. It shows that my thinking was already elucidating an in essence behavioral account. What was missing was thorough  knowledge of this perspective, which was never reinforced by anyone. Currently, my wife Bonnie and I are in the process of getting ready to move into our new home, but at that time, we were selling our beautiful home and garden, because I wanted to study for my Ph.D in Psychology. Without a behavioral account, one can never fully make sense of oneself, because one keeps, like I did, referring to some sort of inner agent. 

I was shooting myself in the foot every time I thought I had to change. The behaviorist account is so comforting, because it allows one to drop the need to change. Change happens by itself once one takes an environmental perspective. One’s success depends on the right mix of approach, escape and avoidance behaviors. Getting a Ph.D., although I was inclined to interpret it as an approach behavior, was after all perhaps an escape behavior. I escaped from the notion of not having achieved anything. For years, I was troubled by a feeling of failure, because I did not know what I wanted to be.

This undermining self-talk appears to be gone from my life now. In its place came an understanding which makes me focus not on where I am heading, on what I am approaching, but on what I am maintaining by active avoidance behavior. There is less of a need for escape in this time of my life and if escape occurs, it happens in an effective fashion. My ineffective escape behaviors were red flags to others, who could take advantage of my weakness. Reading my old journal, I recognized, I was repeatedly punished and humiliated for what was in essence an accurate environmental account. 

I am so happy to have gotten to where I am today. My fear of failing to achieve something important has decreased and yet I feel I am achieving. A while ago, the fear momentarily returned because of a work-related evaluation. I made it go away by distracting myself with visual images of relaxation. I was surprised and satisfied how well it worked. My anxiety had gone up and I was thinking about ways to change my environment to make it go down. I viewed some pictures about relaxation on the internet. Rather than watching porn and getting aroused, I watched pictures that made me feel calm. 

It is amazing what effect pictures or images, visual stimuli, can have on me. On my wall I have a sign that says “house.” It is in Dutch. It belonged to my grandmother. I am going to put it at the front door of our new home. I have had that sign hanging on my wall since we returned to Chico. It helped me to focus on what I wanted. This sign was chosen and cherished by me. Sometimes I gather stimuli,  which at some point,  I must dispose of. The other day, I wore a sweater, which had been given to me as a present by a hateful person. Although it was a nice gift, it felt so good to throw it away.  

It is time to go to bed again. I was up a while in the middle of the night. I like this because it is quiet and I can think clearly. Going back to bed is a reward for having done my work. I liked reading my own old hand writings and in my current writing, I want to improve to the point that it can be read by others. Dear reader, if you have read this far, I might as well let you know that I have written these words especially for you. I have read them while I wrote them, so when you read them, imagine that you are writing them. You can become one with the writer by reading these words.