Disappointment,

 

Now that I confidently and happily continue with my own Embodied Language (EL) and express the bliss and beauty of my Language Enlightenment (LE), I want to put into words, the great disappointment I have felt, that hardly anyone is interested in talking with me about this. I no longer feel frustrated about it, but in the past, I was very upset, if you did what you always do: have Disembodied Language (DL).

 

After I discovered my LE with EL, I was as dissatisfied with my own DL, as I was with the DL of others. It infuriated me, that because of our conditioning, we all keep having this stupid way talking and dealing with language, which has only negative outcomes. I could not and would not accept it, not from myself nor from someone else. Although I still abhor DL, I no longer expect anyone to have EL with me.

 

Even when I didn’t know what I know today about EL, I was, apparently, always searching for people to have EL with me. Again and again, it seemed as if I had found them, but my disillusionment was always just around the corner. I literally got thrown out of many of the groups, I once tried to belong to. Later on, I decided to voluntarily leave behind the so-called community, I had wanted so much to be part of. 

 

We talk about fitting in, but what the hell is that? It means, you are not being yourself, as you do what is expected from you, by others. This group-pressure, is so enduring, that even if we speak with ourselves, we insist, we shouldn’t have any expectations of ourselves. It is wrong to have expectations of others – so the reasoning goes – and,  therefore, it must also be wrong to have expectations of ourselves.  

 

Obviously, you will never be able to live up to your own expectations, as long as you don’t even allow yourself to have expectations. This is typically an example of how, in DL, we are always fighting with ourselves. However, when you have EL, you will stop  with all that nonsense. Surprisingly, you will not have any expectations of others, only expectations of yourself, which come true. In other words, you don’t create disappointment for yourself anymore.  

 

I had always assumed and tried to have faith in my belief, there would be people, somewhere – I just hadn’t found them yet – who have the common, spiritual, philosophical, psychological, scientific or artistic sense, that there must be a way of talking, in which we work everything out. I owe this tenacious conviction to my abusive father, who said: whatever it is, we can always talk about it. Probably, I owe my great dissatisfaction to him too, because, he never was interested in or appreciative of anything I said. To the contrary, he beat me and he humiliated me.

 

Looking back, it was because I felt so rejected and let down, that I started to talk with myself, as there really was no one else to talk with. Of course, this is a bit of an exaggeration, as there are always people who are willing to talk, but not in the way I wanted to talk. I had one friend, however, his name was Lak, who – if he wasn’t stoned or drunk – would let me speak about the importance of listening to yourself while you speak, that is, of EL. He kept distracting me with his antics, but I insisted and he blurted out: you want me to listen to myself, but you aren’t even listening to yourself? I laughingly admitted, he was right. He was a witness, to the birth of my EL. After I immigrated to the United States in 1999, we wrote each other, but I ended our correspondence, as he was no longer interested in really talking with me.

 

I only continue with people – admittedly, very few – who are willing to have EL with me. I don’t feel any regret about leaving everyone with their DL behind. I have listened carefully to my own disappointment and I have concluded, it was justified. The world, as I know it, is created and maintained by my EL, which gives me peace, humor and satisfaction. However, your chaotic, conflicted, brutal, superficial reality, is inevitably created by your mechanical DL. Moreover, you have yet to fully admit and come to grips with your disappointment in how you have used your language until now. As anyone with EL, I can hear, your DL works against you. I know, it can’t give you what you want. Of course, you want what you want, but you can’t have it with DL. You can only talk about your LE – your lasting happiness – with your EL.