Green,

 

We all like to believe, we are in control of our lives, we behave as we do, because we choose to, we want to and we couldn’t conceive of anything else. However, as I was driving down the street, on my way to my job, this morning, I was about to make a left turn on a green light, but before I swung around the corner, I slowed down, because I had recently seen cars running yellow lights multiple times. A big pick-up truck speeded through the red light, with at least fifty-five miles an hour and missed me by only a few inches. I honked, let out a loud scream, but I  was immediately calm again, as nothing had really happened. The truck was already two blocks away.

 

Yes, I could have been dead this morning, but here I am, living another day. Miraculously, it was only just a few days ago, my wife Bonnie and I were having a conversation about precisely that junction, that you must always be careful, even though the light is green. I don’t know what made me slow down, just enough, to miss this pick-up truck t-boning me, as I was kind of in a hurry and worried, that I may arrive late at my work. When I told my colleagues about what had happened or rather, about what didn’t happen, it suddenly struck me, that I could have died today. Also, I could have been forever crippled, brain-damaged or even in a coma. In one instance, everything could have forever changed for me. 

 

Although, luckily, the tragic accident didn’t happen, it certainly could have happened, but, seen in the light of my history with Disembodied Language (DL), it actually already did happen. As long as I still was troubled by my own DL and by the DL of others and my life was one big calamity. Everything was accidental  and I wondered, the first twenty years of my life, if I would ever be happy or satisfied, as everything I did was constantly crashing into a sense of nothingness.

 

I seemed to be on a permanent collision course and, therefore, it was a big surprise to me, that someone like me could be enlightened. A friend had invited me to go and meet with this man, who, presumably, was self-realized. His dismissive, arrogant, punitive   behavior immediately reminded me of my father. When I said this to him, he replied, he was doing his best to act like my father, as that would supposedly help me. I felt challenged, especially since everyone was laughing, while I was merely feeling mistreated.

 

During this very awkward meeting, somehow it had happened: I had died to myself and I knew for sure, after that moment, things would never be the same again. It was so strange, because my behavior was still the same. Apparently, it now had to be adjusted to my new way of being. I called it my new way of being, because, what else can you call it, when you have died, but you are still alive? This self-realized person had acknowledged my enlightenment, but  told me to leave the meeting, as I got what I came for and there was no need to stay longer. I wanted so badly to talk with him, but I couldn’t understand why everyone was laughing. He even threatened to throw me out himself, if I didn’t leave. So, I left and tried to make some sense of what had happened.

 

I knew and felt that I had become enlightened, but I still desperately wanted to ask him, what the hell was I now supposed to do, as an enlightened person? In the short meeting, I had basically told him, my whole life was a freakin’ mess. I had asked him, how was his so-called wisdom going to change all of that? To my surprise, he told me, I understood what he claimed to have realized. I couldn’t believe him and I objected, but he insisted, the transmission had had already happened. I left him unwillingly and felt terribly rejected, but when I came home, I was no longer the same person. Everything was different. I was full of energy and awake. I had never felt like that before and I couldn’t sleep for three nights.

 

I had his phone number and I called him. He picked up only the first time I called and we spoke briefly. I asked him, is this normal, as I couldn’t sleep? What am I to do? He laughed, told me not to worry and was convinced, I would figure things out and then hung up on me. I called him again, but only got his voicemail. I left him many messages, in which I told him I really needed to let talk with him again, but he never answered me. I also knew where he lived. It was far away from my house, in another town, but I went there, multiple times, by train, only to stand there, in front of a closed door. Many people came to talk with him and then left again and told me to go away and that he didn’t want to talk with me.

 

About two years went by. It was crazy, that I did what I did. Why did I do this? I was obsessed with this man and went to his house again. I had bought a bouquet of flowers, which I was going to put at his door. This time, he opened the door and let me into his house. We drank coffee, while we talked and smoked a cigar. He was happy to see me. I told him about my enlightenment and about the weird fact  my behavior was still the same. He praised me and reassured me things would work themselves out.

 

After our meeting was over, I felt like walking on clouds. It was around that time, I found –  in the attic of the house, where my wife and I rented – a gong, in a box. I struck the gong with a little stick with a ball on it. When I heard its resonant sound, I said: that sounds good. That was the first moment,  in which I consciously heard myself speak, because I sounded good myself. After that, I began deliberately exploring what it is like to listen to myself while I speak. Thus, I discovered my Embodied Language (EL). For many years, I still couldn’t believe, I had really discovered something profoundly new. Only recently, I have started to write and speak about the fact that EL is the expression of my Language Enlightenment (LE).

 

It took me many years, to adjust my way of dealing with my own language to my enlightenment, which happened a long time ago. EL can only occur when your sound is attuned to your own experience. In that moment, there is not you and your experience, but there is only experiencing. In other words, the speaker and the listener in EL are one, or rather, our speaking and listening behavior occur at the same rate, simultaneously. In LE, there is absolutely no mind, no private speech or covert verbal behavior.

 

Today, I write about my death. Because of my EL, my death is not what it seems to be to most people, who know only how to have DL. Death is my LE, as my words, will no longer be erased or replaced. I am alive, but I can speak about my death, as there is no longer a place for me to make my case. You can be certain, that you too will die and it doesn’t really matter when. Actually, you have already died, once you begin to consider, with EL, that there really are no words in your brain, only neurons and neurotransmitters. We say or write always only overtly what presumably happens inside of us, covertly. When we die, our overt, audible, visible behavior stops. There is no covert behavior, no soul or inner self, who carries on, as such an imaginary entity has never existed. When we have ongoing EL,  it becomes very apparent, that we are enlightened and that we have always been enlightened, but we only didn't yet have the overt verbal expression for it. Our EL gives the green light for our LE. Those with DL are prone to creating accidents, as they ignore the red light. With EL, we always stop for the red light, but with green light, we cautiously cross the intersection.