Small-talk,

 

I am not very good at small-talk, because I am into Embodied Language (EL), which is considered by everyone with Disembodied Language (DL), as a complicated or deep conversation. To me, EL isn’t unusual or profound, but it is something simple and necessary. However, most people don’t know about the difference between DL and EL and that is why they engage, unconsciously, in DL. They would feel uncomfortable, not knowing what to say and try to make themselves and each other feel comfortable by having chit-chat. In EL, it is okay not knowing what to say. Moreover, it is actually very pleasant, to just allow our EL to happen and to not talk the usual superficial, meaningless, mechanical, impersonal stuff, which people express, who fear being silent.  

 

Once you know the difference between DL and EL, you always want EL and never DL. With EL, in terms of what people call small-talk – which, by the way, never results into EL – you always prefer so-called big-talk over small-talk. As a matter of fact, you will abhor the phony, forceful, ultimately-not-so-friendly-at-all, seemingly-casual conversation, which people use to grease the wheel. Moreover, with EL, you recognize how tiring, disgusting and frustrating it is, that the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. In other words, the most noticeable, loudest problems, are the ones most likely to get the attention. Conversely, our EL is overlooked and ignored, or, rather, not listened to, because during EL, the speakers don’t demand and dominate the listener’s attention, as they do in DL.

 

We talk different languages, but we speak about similar things. In Japan, they would say, the stick that sticks up gets hammered down or the nail that stands out gets pounded down. In Holland, they say, tall trees catch a lot of wind or weed that is growing above the mowing line gets cut off. In China, they say, the crying baby gets the milk and in Korea, they say, the pointy stone meets the chisel. Certainly, the squeaky-wheel-fallacy refers to our common DL and has prevented us, thus far, from recognizing the big problem of not being able to have genuine conversation or EL. Small-talk wastes our time and energy, as it judges our EL as problematic and continues our dumb DL.

 

DL is the reason that people only want to talk about meaningless bullshit and don’t even appreciate the experience of peacefulness. These noisy, distracting universal topics, which are, supposedly, good conversation starters, are, as we all know, the weather, the current news, sports or entertainment. And, of course, you can match your blabber-mouth-topic, to the important interests of the blabber-mouth-people, to have even more blabber-mount-DL, but once you know about the difference between DL and EL, you will not be as likely to engage in this stupid charade anymore.

 

I remember when I came to the United Stated for the first time. I really had to get used to the idea of how people interact. When people ask, how are you, they don’t want to know, but you just have to say, I’m fine, thank you, how are you, as that was just a way of greeting each other and getting on with things. It just so happens, that my name is Maximus, but each time I am introducing myself, people immediately say, you go by Max? Maximus happens to mean, the biggest and I don’t like it that people abbreviate my name like that, right from the start, but just like their so-called greeting, it refers to the strong tendency of people to continue with their pushy DL and to, by all means, not have any room for anything new. Beside the fact that DL is shallow, insincere, posturing and trivial, it is also repetitive, commanding, intrusive and careless.

 

Small-talk is often about asking, how someone’s day was, so that you – if you somehow manage to keep that elusive balance between talking and listening – can get to talk about your day. After all, your version of informal discourse, is always more important than someone else, supposedly, inconsequential, but equally attention-demanding topics. Even while having small-talk, the struggle for attention goes on and that is why DL never comes to an end. To have small-talk, it is pertinent, to create the impression and to maintain the illusion, really, that what you say is not about you. Don’t get personal, but lower the bar, by offering nice words of encouragement. Glad that it’s Friday, any plans for the weekend?

 

In the work-place, always make sure, you are at your best small-talk performance. Be even less personal than anywhere else and try to talk as much as you can about your boring, uninteresting, frustrating work environment, but, of course, always without any gossiping. Make sure, while having small-talk, to never lose track of your place in the hierarchy and be extra polite and subservient. Always show your admiration and respect to your superiors, who, as you may be surprised to notice, love to get their big egos stroked by your self-deprecating small-talk. What a busy day, this is the first time, I got up from my seat, I see you have been very busy too?

 

Small-talk is about stuff everyone can talk about. I like your shoes, it’s so important to have supportive shoes. You can also talk about the place where you are, so the other person always knows what you are talking about. Glad they fixed the heather again, it was so cold in here. Compliments are almost always welcome, as long as you don’t become too much of a slimy ass-kisser. Common interests are the holy grail of small-talk. Make sure to slightly put yourself down, so you make the other person feel good. I tried baking cookies like yours last night, but they came out terrible. How do you make them so good?  

 

Make a comment and then ask questions. I heard you were talking about the animal shelter, did you get yourself a dog? Small-talk may make you seem friendlier, as you want others to perceive you that way and you depend – for your self-esteem – on how others view you and treat you. Of course, this is all part and parcel of how we engage in DL. As in DL, in small-talk, we want remain busy with each other, because it helps us avoid being busy with ourselves. The embarrassment of having to admit to ourselves, our DL isn’t working for us, but against us, is pushed away by our small-talk. Supposedly, we are friendly, we mean well, we fit in, we are confident, but the reality is, our small-talk perpetuates all our big lies.