Violence,

 

The undeniable fact that everyone – including those who practice so-called Non-Violent Communication, (NVC) – has remained unconsciously, unintelligently stuck with Disembodied Language (DL), determines that M. Rosenberg’s popular  textbook “Non-Violent Communication: A Language Of Life” is still treated, by many, as the final word, on how we presumably  can have a better relationship. The concept itself is stupid. Certainly, there is violence masquerading as communication, but NVC has only perpetuated this phony business, in the name of interaction. There is absolutely no need for a method, which is based on the principles of non-violence. Surely, such method, on how to communicate, is itself a form of violence.

 

Indeed, Embodied Language (EL) is not – like NVC – a method for creating self-empathy, for listening attentively, for connecting with or receiving what others are saying, for understanding from the heart or for expressing ourselves honestly. Simply stated, EL is the expression of our Language Enlightenment (LE), that is, who we really are. Therefore, there is the pretention, the acting or the false belief, that we are speaking and listening and there is really speaking, which always goes hand in hand with really listening. A big deal keeps being made about becoming better listeners, but the bottom-line is, we neither want to hear DL from others nor from ourselves. Due to our DL, we have never looked into the astonishing fact, that in our usual way of talking, we speak, unknowingly, with a sound, we ourselves don’t want to produce and also don’t want to hear.

 

You can lead a horse to the water, but you cannot make him or her drink. In other words, you can show to someone, that something will benefit him or her, but you cannot force him or her to accept it. This is, of course, the problem of NVC, but not of EL, as in EL, we don’t make anyone with DL accept our EL. To the contrary, we are only able to continue with and remain with our EL, as long as we are not busy trying to change the DL of others or the DL of ourselves. Initially, it appears, as if there is lack of motivation, but once we know about the immense difference between our DL and EL, we can recognize that being aware of this great difference determines our motivation to stop our DL and continue with EL. Moreover, our continuing EL makes clear to us, it was always our LE – our natural way of being with our language – that made us want to have EL in the first place and that allows us to permanently step out of our dreadful conditioning-history with DL.

 

Regardless of the culture we grew up in, we receive all the exact same message: talking and listening to others, is presumably more important, than talking  and listening to ourselves. Consequently, even if we attempt to talk with ourselves, it is frustrating, as it is, as if we are talking with someone else. We are not used to talking with ourselves, which is seen as a sign, as if there is something wrong. This is why we speak, unconsciously with a noxious sound, we don’t want to hear. Stated differently, we want others to listen, but don’t want to hear ourselves.   

 

EL doesn’t make problems about the fact the we are selfish, since we each create with our language our own reality. Unless we know how to speak with and listen to ourselves, we remain oblivious about the reality, which we individually, create with our DL. NVC, by contrast, is unrealistic, as it makes us do something, which is unnatural and contradicting who we truly are. Stated differently, NVC is a form of piety or masochism, which conflicts with the practitioner’s own needs. Also Roger’s therapeutic stance of unconditional positive regard, is a recipe for depression, burn-out and empathy-fatigue.

 

People involved in NVC, are constantly busy trying to reach or change others, but those, who find out about the difference between DL and EL, are not trying to change themselves, as they naturally prefer to have EL and are able to stay with themselves, like I do. In EL we consider our relationship with our language and since EL is the expression of our LE, there are no problems for us with EL, but those who have DL or NVC are martyrs, as they are always involved with problems and conflicts. EL is absolutely not about reaching others, but about having the language skill to enjoy being yourself. Once one can be enough to him or herself, everything is different. In DL, we just  don’t know how to use our language optimally.

 

Having studied, worked in and taught psychology myself, for many years, I have experience with the extraordinary determination to bring about social transformation, but to my amazement, I found out, nobody is interested in EL. On various occasions, I have talked with NVC people, but they struck me as inauthentic, holier- than-thou and incapable of admitting, that NVC perpetuates DL and, therefore, does the exact opposite as it claims to do.