Finally,

 

When people are finally beginning to talk out loud with themselves – instead of with some imaginary higher power, spirit, angel or alien or with someone, who, presumably, is superior or inferior to them – chances are – because of their long, confusing, numbing history of conditioning with Disembodied Language (DL) – they will still go on fantasizing about their version of what I simply call Embodied Language (EL), rather than actually really having it.

 

When I left Holland and immigrated to the United States in 1999, I myself was still dreaming of – as they say – making it big and giving many workshops and individual sessions about listening to yourself while you speak. Although I already discovered the difference between DL and EL in my mid-twenties, it took me many years, to adjust to EL and to convince myself, that it is really true. My quest for validation or my ambition, kept rearing its end. Consequently,  soon after arriving in this different culture, I went back to college to study psychology. However, to my great disappointment, nobody was interested in EL. Meanwhile, many years, I worked in mental health.

 

It was so frustrating, that I gave up studying for my PhD at Palo Alto University, in the final face, while writing my dissertation, which wasn’t – as they had promised – about the topic I had wanted to study, but about what I was told by my arrogant, sloppy, incompetent, disgusting supervisor, a guy by the name Dr. Russell. I don’t regret having spoken out against this sick individual and withdrew from my academic odyssey, with a Master of Science in Clinical Psychology and enjoyed being a Psychology Instructor at Butte College for almost nine years.   

 

When, due to the Covid pandemic, Online-Teaching became required, I completely lost all my interest in being a teacher. I became a courtesy clerk at the supermarket, then, a delivery driver for landscaping supplies. I love my current job, because it is physical work, which has nothing to do with Psychology. I am so glad, I have permanently left that field. Yet, I kept on exploring EL, with just one person, who recently told me, she no longer needed to talk with me. It is beautiful and necessary for us to be on our own.  

 

Instead of just enjoying my own ongoing EL, which is the expression of my Language Enlightenment (LE), I was, obviously, still tempted, to tell myself stories about how great it would be, if others also knew about it. I now look back and see how I got to where I am from where I have been, but I don’t idealize my so-called steps, as things just happened, as they did.

 

There is no former life or an after-life. Talking with myself never was a conversation between who I was and who I am now, today. There are many versions of being thrown out of the Garden of Eden, about our so-called former, innocent, child-like, original selves, before we became who we now, apparently,  don’t like or want to be, but there is, of course, no such thing, as talking with yourself and having a dialogue with a part of you, which, presumably, got split off. It never happened, yet people remain busy with it for many years, most likely, their whole life.

 

A while ago, I was at a party of someone, who had a big house with a swimming pool. It was great fun, as many people were singing their songs and playing their music at a little stage, going in and out of the pool and there was plenty of food and drinks. As I was getting myself a beer, I asked the owner, if I could get him one too. As if stung by a bee, he said in an unfriendly, but bragging manner – as if I was supposed to already know about this – he was a recovering alcoholic and hadn’t had any alcoholic drink for twenty-five years. It reminded me of a neighbor, a Jehova-witness, who is not allowed to celebrate her birthday. I didn’t know and had asked her, when it was her birthday, so I could buy her a present, because she sometimes takes care of our cat, but she reacted, as if I had insulted her religion. When I said to this man: I am glad you recovered, he showed me some medal and stated in a stern manner: no one is ever fully recovered. He still sees himself as a recovering alcoholic, since quitting drinking was such a huge turning-point in his life and, thus, became a central aspect of his identity. I felt, it would be better, not to ask any further and, actually, I have never spoken with him since, even though I see him almost every week, at the Open Mike evenings. Also, a former colleague of mine, who showed some interest in EL, grew up with an alcoholic father, but couldn’t stop talking about her fanatic religious dedication to her Al-Anon (Alcohol Anonymous) group. We stop limiting ourselves by any DL stories, because our EL is not about that.

 

My discovery of EL in my twenties, didn’t imply the end of my conditioning history with DL and so I still, inadvertently, kept telling myself as well as others stories about EL. All of these stories have become irrelevant today. The whole notion of talking with myself is wrong, because there is no me, who talks with me, there is just talking, but no me. Somehow, with everything we do or have done, we assume a doer, an inner behavior-coordinating agent, who, presumably, decides what we do. There is no such an entity. There is nobody, who has an experience, as there is only experience. We never see or say this clearly, as with our DL, we cannot comprehend it.

 

The major change in our perception, once we can engage in EL, is absolutely the end of DL – although we may not immediately notice this – even if EL is only temporarily achieved. Of course, permanently leaving our DL is our LE, but, as long as we go back and forth between EL and DL, our LE remains out of sight or rather, out of our hearing range. The sound of our wellbeing – the missing frequency in our way of talking, which sets the stage for how we deal with our language and everything else we do – is filtered out in DL. Therefore, only our EL can reveal our LE.

 

The logic of EL is undeniable, but whenever we engage in DL, we deny that we have DL. Then, our so-called logic is based on the abandonment of our  subjectivity in the name of objectivity or our ability to supposedly reason or think always happens at the expense of our ability to feel and experience something. Lying is the very nature of DL, but it isn’t we, who lie or pretend, but it simply happens. No one does it, it happens, it is the only thing which can happen, because of our history of conditioning.

 

There is no me, who tells stories to him or herself, which aren’t true, but there certainly are a lot of stories, which aren’t true. People usually call it their mind, but that is why they keep the illusion going, that they live their lives in their own way, according to what they supposedly believe. There is no one, who does that, literally and figuratively. Another way of saying the aforementioned is, we disappear in everything we do, but even then, there is no one, who was, who disappeared, for if there still is this idea, this belief, this verbally described construct of our true, real selves, it inevitably reappears and then we, presumably, go back and forth between EL and DL, while in fact, we were having DL all along, while imagining that we were having EL. Of course, there is no one, who has EL or DL, as there is only EL or DL, but, the moment, this can be the case, our DL stops and our EL continues. Although achievement of ongoing EL happens only if talking with ourselves becomes more important than talking with others, in talking with ourselves, our dissociative tendency to fantasize, is much higher then when we talk with others. Whether we like or not, accept it or not or are aware of it or not, with others we are painfully reminded of our DL, because there are practically no others to have EL with. I don’t claim to always have EL, but I know, I will always go on with it.