Marbles,

 

Today, as nobody seemed to realize I was there, I felt so present. I remembered all those times, in the past, I didn’t feel seen or heard. I couldn’t stand it, back then, but now, it was a blissful opportunity, to be in a situation, that allowed me to disappear.

 

As a kid, I always made sure, I was nowhere to be found and to my recollection, nobody ever came looking for me. People quickly gave up on me, as I didn’t want to compete for anything, I didn’t want to have. However, I have always done my very best to get what I wanted, but only to discover, again and again, that I was wrong. Yet, I firmly believed, I wanted many different things. For the most part, I always managed to get what I wanted, but once I had achieved it, I felt disappointed, as it was not as enjoyable as I had hoped and I gave up on it again.

 

Often, I was told, I was ungrateful, to not continue with the chances I had been given, but, as far as I am concerned, I have always felt incredibly grateful  for what I got. Not surprisingly, I often felt guilty, for receiving so much, yet not being able to do anything with it. I felt undeserving, as it came to me so easy. However, the reality was, I always worked very hard for it, but somehow it never felt that way to me. 

 

I guess, I am used to working hard. I always felt that anything I wanted was within my reach, by putting my energy in it. Nevertheless, as I became older, it became more and more dissatisfying to attain what I, presumably, wanted, because each time, it turned out to be something I didn’t want, once I got it. I was afflicted with eternal dissatisfaction and came to a point, where I ran out of things that I wanted.

 

Why could I not have one profession, one goal, one path? I had been satisfied so often, but each time, I was having what I had worked for, I wanted it no more. I am reminded of playing marbles as a child. It was the biggest competition I have ever engaged in. All the kids of my neighborhood played marbles, everywhere. A gap in between the pavers on the sidewalk or a crack close to the wall, was the spot where our marbles would land. Kids were proudly and possessively carrying their bags full of marbles around. It was a fierce contest, which involved a lot of arguments and yelling about the rules.

 

We all knew the rules, but nobody knew where they had come from. The rules were often even adjusted to the particular spot, where we were playing, just before the game started or during the game, as certain disagreements had to first be settled. I liked it so much, I had become one of the best marble players. Our battles continued until the street lamps came on and we had to return our home for dinner.

 

One day, I beat all of the best players and I carried two big buckets full of marbles. Some marbles were ordinary and damaged, because they had been used so often, but others were brand new, colorful and special, they were worth ten times as much as the others. I won them all. As I came home, I looked at the buckets and immediately knew what I was going to do. The next day, I announced, that, after school, I would throw all my marbles on the street, in front of my house, as I didn’t want them anymore.

 

After school, I walked home together with a whole bunch of kids from our street. I went inside, to get the two buckets of marbles and when I came back out, it seemed as if many more kids had gathered for this unusual ceremony. However, none of my  former competitors, who had lost, were there, only those, who were not so good at playing marbles,  who had watched us play and see me win and win.

 

It was like some sort of scene from a Robin Hood movie. It felt, as if I had stolen all the marbles from the best players and I was now going to give them back to everyone, who had lost their marbles to them. Many of these players were sour losers and had cheated, as they intimidated the other kids, but I didn’t let that happen to me. I had won from all of them. I felt like some sort of hero, but my brother, tried to stop me and said that I was crazy. I emptied each bucket and hundreds of marbles bounced and rolled over the sidewalk, while fifteen kids were on hands and knees, picking up as many as they could.

 

Within minutes, the street was empty and everyone was gone, as if nothing had ever happened. I never played marbles after that, but I am sure, anyone who was there, remembers what a great happening it was. It felt so good to give them away. After I had discovered my Embodied Language (EL), I still, so to speak, wanted to give away all my marbles, but almost nobody seemed to want them. Those who come to me, they get a lot, as I have no one else to give to. Losers, who continue with Disembodied Language (DL), are unwilling to admit, that it is true: they have really lost all their marbles. I had such fun playing this game. Winning these beautiful marbles equals the accumulative effects of my ongoing EL, which resulted my recognition of my Language Enlightenment (LE), the game I like to play today.